Fear

Dear Elli,

I've lost four pounds in the last two weeks.  I've done this because I'm utterly terrified, not because I'm cutting calories and eating vegetables.

I'm totally not complaining, because I needed to lose four pounds anyway, and because I brought this terror on all by my lonesome.  I actually did it on purpose.  I realize that doesn't make much sense, so I'll start from the beginning.

I write hip hop songs for fun.  Sometimes I record them.  And sometimes I even make music videos out of them for corporate functions.  That's kind of my thing.  And people actually seem to get a kick out of them.  I'm like the "Weird Al Yankovic" of corporate hip hop.  Unbelievably cool, I know.

Several months ago, I may have had a few beers at a work dinner.  And at this work dinner, I may have approached a senior executive.  And I may have talked him into letting me go live and in living color with my most recent cut.  And he may have actually agreed.  To a live show.  In front of 200 people.  Half of them our most important business partners.

All of that actually happened.  The big show is next week.  And I've lost four pounds so far worrying about it. 

I might trip over my feet and fall on the floor.  I might puke.  I might forget all of the words.  I might freeze and start crying.  My pants might fall down.  I might die. 

Shit, anything could happen!

I might totally rock this thing.  It might even be really freaking awesome.

I realize that I'm a total psycho.  This is not news to you, either, because you live with me.  But I actually like to scare the living shit out of myself.  I have no idea why, and I do it over and over again.  I immediately agree to do anything and everything terrifying that anyone asks me to do, or sometimes I think of horrifying things all by myself. 

Navigate the filthy, crime-ridden city of Newark, New Jersey all by myself in the middle of the night for a business dinner?  Count me IN!  Zip line in the Mexican jungle, 70 feet in the air, even though I am terrified of heights?  Absolutely! Speak at the annual meeting in front of 2,500 people?  You better believe it!  Dance and sing for an audience of 200?  Hell yes!  That shit was MY idea!

I have a love/hate relationship with fear.  I hate it because it makes me feel weak.  I love it because it makes me feel alive.  And I have a near constant compulsion to crush it until it's gone forever.  But, the truth is, it never goes away entirely.  And it never will.  It's always there.  Right by our sides.  Ready for another adventure.

I know exactly how I'm going to feel next week, right before I jump on stage.  I've felt it countless times.  My heart will pound until it feels like it's going to explode in my chest.  My legs and arms will go numb.  I will be trembling.  Literally trembling. Tears will flood my eyes.  And every fiber of my being will be screaming for me to run away. 

But I won't run away.  I'll jump on stage and do exactly what I've planned and fretted over for weeks.  I'll power through it, and then I'll feel like a total bad ass for an hour.  I'll even pretend like it was easy.  Like I wasn't worried at all. 

And then I'll await the next opportunity to scare the hell out of myself.  That's just how your mama rolls.  I can't seem to help myself.

My whole point tonight, though, is that fear is not always a bad thing.  It is stressful and scary and might make you lose four pounds in two weeks.  But it can also be a good thing.  Because facing it, and then beating it, feels better than anything in the world. 

And that's why I scare myself silly, on purpose, as frequently as possible.  Because if we always remain in our comfort zone, we'll never know what we are truly capable of.  I really want to know what I'm capable of.  And I want to know what you're capable of, too.

So allow yourself to be uncomfortable sometimes.  To be truly afraid to fail.  You'll likely be pleasantly surprised at how often you succeed, despite your worst fears.  And you'll feel like a total bad ass for at least an hour.

Whether it's a ridiculous hip hop performance, or something far more important.  Go for it.  You won't regret it.  I promise.

I love you.

Mom