Dear Elli,
Sometimes I'm mean. I was kind of mean today. I was mean in a self righteous kind of way that I do not approve of. I felt angry, and as a result, I did something that may very well result in hurt feelings. My intention was not to hurt anyone, but I knew it might and I did it anyway. Because I was mad and selfish.
You know how I always tell you to settle down and not to lash out immediately when you're upset? To think about things for awhile before you decide what to do? Well, I give great advice. I just don't always follow my great advice.
So now what's done is done. I can't take it back. I feel like a jerk because I probably hurt someone's feelings. And the fact that I had a right to be pissed off and do what I did seems pretty irrelevant now.
When I hurt someone, it feels really bad inside. It doesn't matter whether or not I had a good reason. It's guilt, shame, sadness, and anger at myself all rolled into one. It makes me feel terrible. In fact, I'm confident that I sometimes feel worse than the person I hurt. I talk a tough game, but I'm actually pretty soft. I care more than I let on, and I hate being the source of anyone's pain. I really like being the good guy. Not the bad guy.
This is exactly why it's best to simmer down for awhile when we get mad. It helps to ensure we don't do something pissy and then feel like a total asshole afterward.
I'm an asshole today. It's not the first time, and it likely won't be the last. But I'm going to try like hell to not be an asshole tomorrow.
I love you.
Moma
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