Polo
Dear Elli,
Today I am wearing a polo shirt. This particular polo shirt is a "Polo" shirt. Which means it was made by Ralph Lauren. As such, there is an emblem on my chest of a man playing the sport of polo. Because that's Ralph Lauren's official emblem. And I am a fancy dresser.
Anyway, it was a slow day at work. So one of coworkers pointed out the polo man on my chest. And he asked me what the stick that polo players use in the sport of polo is called. Nobody knew.
Google says it's called a mallet. People play polo with a mallet.
But the bigger question in my mind is this: Who on God's green earth actually plays polo?
I've always assumed rich people play polo. But I've reached a point in my life where I actually know some rich people, and I have yet to hear that any of them are playing polo on the weekends.
Some of them are playing Marco Polo in the pool. But not Ralph Lauren polo.
How do you even play polo? Has anyone actually witnessed the playing of this sport? According to Mr. Lauren's shirts, you need a horse, a ridiculous looking hat, and a mallet. But what do you hit with the mallet? The horse? A ball? And if you hit a ball, where do you hit it? Is there a goal or a basket somewhere that Ralph is not depicting on his shirts?
Polo is not played in the Olympics. But trampoline jumping is an Olympic sport. So is curling. And synchronized swimming. And ice dancing. You can do almost anything in the Olympics. Except polo.
Is this entire sport a conspiracy? Was its existence fabricated by rich British people to make Americans feel inferior and unsophisticated? Absolutely. Because nobody freaking plays polo. Nobody.
So don't ever ask me to play polo. Because it doesn't exist. Marco Polo does exist. And it's an awesome way to look like an idiot by wading around the pool with your eyes closed, trying to grab your friends without realizing that they all got out of the water and are a bunch of cheating assholes. Don't ask me to play that stupid game, either.
I love you. And I'm really sorry to inform you today that Ralph Lauren is a liar. He may design some really snazzy shit, but he's a damn liar. And he probably hates America, too. I'm so sorry.
Mom
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