Dear Elli,
I am at the airport right now. Minneapolis/St. Paul. That's Minnesota in case you don't know. But you really should know that. I hope I'm not raising a geographically challenged idiot.
Anyway, I'm really freaking pissed. My flight was delayed. I missed my connection. And now I'm stuck in this airport for another four hours. By the time I get home, you will be sleeping. And I won't see you until tomorrow. Hence, I am freaking pissed.
Air travel generally pisses me off. I can't help it. I'm just not a good traveller. I expect to get places in the timeframe printed on my freaking ticket. Not four hours later. Or six. Or ten. Assholes.
And delayed air travel makes me hate everyone. That's why I'm sitting at an empty gate all by myself blogging right now. Because I'm being a total bitch and nobody should have to deal with me.
I realize this is irrational. And I don't care. But I will give you an example of my raging hatred for humanity when my air travel gets jacked up:
On my flight here, on which I already knew I was going to miss my connection, a woman in front of me sat down with a bag of tacos. Yes, tacos. Can you imagine how great it is to smell someone's bag of tacos from OKC to Minneapolis? I'll tell you. It's freaking gross. And I like tacos! But I don't want to smell them for two freaking hours.
So I hate that woman. With such viciousness that only visions of you visiting me in prison stopped me from diving over the seat to choke her with my bare hands. If I didn't have so much to lose, the taco woman could be dead right now. And I could be handcuffed in the back of a police cruiser in Minnesota. And that would probably suck. And I would probably feel pretty bad about it.
But that's what delayed air travel does to me. It makes me want to brutally murder random strangers for boarding a plane with smelly food. I told you I'm not a good traveller.
Now I'm trying to figure out why I'm even writing this to you. It's probably because I'm pissed and trapped like a caged animal in Minnesota with nothing else to do. And because I realize I'm a nut job and want to make sure you do not grow up to be a nut job like me. Who knows? I'm just killing time before my next flight!
By the way, did you know the rednecks in Minnesota wear white camouflage? I didn't have the heart to tell them that I can still see them. Because there's no snow inside the airport. Poor bastards.
I love you. Even though I hate everyone at the airport. And I can't wait to get home to see you. But I'm still really pissed that it will be a day late.
Mom
Comments