Annoying Woman Things

Dear Elli,

You are a girl.  And I may be stating the obvious, but someday you will be a woman. 

As such, I feel the need to share with you a list.  And this list consists of the ten most annoying things that will happen to you as a member of the female gender. 

These are things that most people don't talk about.  But we should.  Because they are annoying.  And it's fun to talk about annoying things!

1.  When you wash your hair in the shower, you will shed.  And this stray hair will end up in either the crack of your ass or stuck to the inside of your thighs.  It's creepy. 

2.  When you are playing billiards and it's your turn to break, you will punch yourself in the boob when you strike the cue ball.  It hurts, but you must smile and pretend nothing happened. 

3.  Throughout the day, you will shed at least one hair that will fall down the front of your shirt.  It will proceed to poke you in the chest or stomach until it is removed.  This will probably happen in a public situation and it will drive you insane until you have the opportunity to reach down your shirt, find the hair, and remove it. 

4.  If you wear heels all day, you will come home and take them off.  If you point your foot forward even once for the remainder of the evening, you will get a cramp.  This cramp will cause excruciating pain and make your toes curl in a disfiguring manner that is utterly beyond your control.  The only way to get rid of the cramp is to march through the house on your tippy toes.  The next morning you will forget the pain and rock the heels once again. 

5.  You will spend a substantial amount of your life wondering if you have something stuck in your teeth, on your ass, or hanging from your nose.  I don't know why.  It's ridiculous.

6.  If you become a mom, you will never again shower without being convinced you hear a child crying.  Ever.  Again.

7.  When you get pulled over by the police for speeding, it is very possible that you may avoid a ticket by crying.  This may seem like a good thing, but it is also kind of disappointing that the police can be so easily manipulated.  However, I highly recommend trying it.  It's freaking awesome when it works!

8.   Everyone will expect that you possess anything they need in your purse.  These things include tissues, aspirin, cough drops, gum, dental floss, pens, and lint rollers.  You may or may not actually possess these items.  But you are expected to have them at all times for the use of your entire community.

9.  When you go out to eat, it is expected that you will order something ladylike.  Maybe a salad or some kind of chicken wrap.  If you order a giant steak burrito smothered in cheese instead, and eat the whole thing, everyone at your table will comment on how impressive you are.  Because apparently a woman who eats is impressive.

10.  When you get angry, people will assume you have PMS.  This may or may not be true.  Don't correct them.  Just keep them guessing by getting angry every week.

There you have it!  The 10 most annoying things that happen to women.  Aren't you excited to become a woman?  I was. 

Just remember, it's all fun and games until you spend three hours in a meeting with a hair in your shirt.

I love you.  And I love that we get to share these wonderful experiences together someday!

Mom