Apologies

Dear Elli,

You embarrassed the hell out of me today at the grocery store.  I wanted to crawl into a hole and die as an epic failure of motherhood. 

You and I were having an unpleasant moment.  You wanted candy.  I wanted you to not have candy.  I won, and you were totally pissed. 

You were in the process of glaring at me with your most hateful eyeball expression when a nice and totally unsuspecting lady entered our showdown in the canned goods aisle.  You were standing in her way, and I asked you to move.  You looked at me and said "no".

That was, by far, the rudest thing you have ever done in public.  I'm certain the nice lady thought you were the antichrist.  I certainly did.  So I immediately moved you myself in a non-gentle manner.

Now, I know you had nothing against that lady.  I know you were mad at me, and she was merely an innocent bystander.  I'm pretty sure you had no intent to disrespect her.  You were just pissed.

But guess what?  I don't care.  I teach you to respect everyone, most especially adults.  It doesn't matter whether we're angry, sad, hungry, cranky, our cat just died, or someone peed in our cheerios that morning.  We are respectful to people.  Always. 

So I pulled you aside, got down on my knee so we were face to face in the canned goods aisle, and explained that your disrespect to that nice lady was unacceptable.  And, so help me God, you were not leaving the damn grocery store alive until and unless we tracked that nice lady down and you apologized. 

You were terrified.  You realized immediately that I was serious, and you were going to have to apologize to a stranger.  Speaking to strangers, especially from a position of vulnerability, is horrifying to you.  Life's a total bitch sometimes, huh? 

So I started racing through the aisles, grabbing the stuff we needed, and hoping the nice lady was still in the store somewhere in front of us.  And I finally spotted her in the dairy section.

I pointed her out to you, and we walked closer while I silently prayed you would do the right thing.  I said, "Excuse me, ma'am.  My daughter has something she would like to say to you".  And then I waited. 

Your eyes filled with tears, you looked down at your shoes, and you said "I'm sorry for being rude to you".  

The nice lady looked up at me with the kindest expression of gratitude and surprise I have seen in a very long time.  I literally thought she was going to cry.  She thanked you, and then she thanked me at least three times in a row.

That nice lady didn't expect an apology, you see.  And that makes me feel a little sad.  It says a lot about how shitty the world can be sometimes.  But you managed to redeem yourself, even though you were truly terrified.  You made her feel better, and I hope you restored her faith in humanity a little bit as well.   

So while you did, in fact, embarrass the hell out of me today, you also made me proud.  Apologizing is not an easy thing to do.  But you did it, and you did it well.  I'll dismiss my threat to your life as nothing more than a mild factor in your redeeming behavior.

Thank you for not making me die as an epic failure of motherhood today.  We've got a long way to go, but we'll get there.  One step at a time.  Together.

I love you, you horrifying little shit.

Mom