Dear Elli,
You embarrass the hell out of me on a regular basis. I'm nearly immune to its effects at this point. Most of your shenanigans are actually quite funny, and I just add each new horrifying situation to the running list in my head of things to share with your first serious boyfriend.
We were at soccer practice tonight, and everything seemed pretty normal. I was on the sideline talking to the other moms while watching you guys run passing drills. Then it happened.
You finished your turn at the passing drill, walked by your coach as you exited the field, casually slapped him on the ass, and kept on walking. Not a single look backward. Just a friendly slap on the ass from one athlete to another. You slapped his ass like it was the most normal thing in the world. Like some kind of professional ass slapper. An ass slapping extraordinaire!
He was shocked. His jaw dropped almost to the ground, and he immediately turned to look at me. I just shrugged and smiled. What the hell was I supposed to do!?!? I'm not an experienced disciplinarian of ass slappers. This is the first time I've experienced this particular horror show.
He asked you to keep your hands to yourself. I gave you my most ferocious glare and pointed my finger at you from the sideline. You didn't do it again, thank God. And after practice, I told you that ass slapping is highly inappropriate and the police will arrest you if you do that when you're an adult.
That's always my "go-to" threat. Jail time. Don't judge me. It's true. You could totally go to jail if you walk around slapping random men's asses when you're an adult. I'm pretty sure that's harassment.
So there's the latest in the saga that is your childhood. You're really lucky I have a sense of humor.
And since you won't be actually reading this for a very long time, I'll admit it: Watching a six-year-old little girl casually slap a grown man on the ass is one of the most hilarious things I've ever seen. And the look on his face was priceless. I'm not even a little bit mad at you.
I love you.
Mom
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