Boots

Dear Elli,

We live in Ohio.  It snows here.  A lot.  And I hate boots.  In fact, the last time I had a pair of boots, our dog was a puppy and he ate them.  Roscoe (our dog) turned 9 this year.

It's not that I don't appreciate warm feet.  I really do.  It's more that I have no desire to wear boots while carrying my regular shoes into work and then changing them.  I'm not Mr. Rogers.  I don't need to change my shoes every time I come indoors.  Or my sweater.  Mr. Rogers was kind of weird. 

So I guess I'd rather walk through the snow in a pair of heels and pray that I don't fall on my ass like a giant douchebag who thinks she is too cool for boots.

Now, you might ask why I don't just wear fashionable boots that I could wear all day long and not recreate a Mr. Rogers episode four times per day.  Most women wear them.  They're totally cool.

Yes.  They are cool.  And everyone looks really cute in them.  Except me.  Because there is something about fashionable boots that screams "SLUTBAG!" very loudly in my head when I consider wearing them.  I think it has something to do with how high most of them come up on my legs.  It seems very cat woman-ish.  Or maybe porn star-ish.  (It is important to be clear that these thoughts are only applicable to me in boots.  Not everyone else.)

So I just acquired a pair.  (Surprise!) Your 61-year-old grandmother gave them to me.  Because she is very fashion forward.  She is a former model.  And she knows her shit when it comes to looking cute. 

So, she bought these boots from Macy's but she can't wear them because they hurt her toe.  And now I'm the proud owner of a pair of boots.  They are brown leather and they come up to just below my knees. 

"They're riding boots", she said.  I laughed.  I don't have a horse.  Or a bull.  So I wonder what I will be "riding" with my new "riding boots".  (I know.  I'm horrible.  I probably have no business being a parent.  I'm sorry.)

Now I'm in a quandary.  I own boots.  And I should wear them.  They really are cute.  But I don't want to.  Because that voice in my head screams "SLUTBAG!" every time I take the lid off the box.  And it makes me start to sweat a little.   

But I'm gonna try it this year.  I swear I will.  Because I teach you to try new things.  So I should probably practice what I preach.

I will, however, hide a pair of regular shoes in the car.  Just in case everyone laughs at me.  Or someone actually makes my nightmare come true and screams "SLUTBAG!" at me from across the cafeteria at work.  Oh God.  I think I might have a panic attack.

I love you. 

Mom