Dear Elli,
Lately you've been asking me for a baby. A baby sister to be exact. The answer is no. Not now, and probably not ever. Sorry.
You see, I don't really like kids that much. Except you. I love you. You were a welcome addition to our lives and have been a tremendous joy for your daddy and me. Except when you are being a pain in the ass. Then you are just a pain in the ass, and I do not feel very welcoming.
So back to this whole sibling thing. I did research. I'm not joking. For about a year I was consumed by the fear that an only child is destined to be a complete freak. Forever.
So here's what I found out after reading a slew of ridiculously boring books: You might be a freak when you grow up. However, your chances of being a freak are the same as if you had that baby sister you keep asking me for.
Guess what? I don't feel scared for your future as an only child anymore! So I guess you're screwed. Because I don't want another kid. At least I don't think so. (I'm leaving the door cracked here just in case I change my mind and my hypothetical second child reads this letter someday. We don't want her/him to grow up to be a freak either if she/he thinks I didn't want her/him. See! Always thinking ahead!)
Anyway, I do think you deserve a reasonable explanation for not having a sibling. So here are my reasons:
1. I really don't like kids very much. We hit the jackpot with you, and I'm not playing the odds on ending up with a little jerk that I don't like very much.
2. I don't like babies. They're cute and cuddly. But they suck to live with. They cry. A lot. And they are up at all hours of the night. Crying. A lot.
3. Being a Mom is hard. I don't mean like "learning to write your name" kind of hard...although you worked very hard to write your name and I'm not marginalizing that skill. It's totally awesome. The difference is...you rocked that shit. It's over and you won! There is no winning in parenthood. Once you figure out one thing, there's 276 more things to figure out. I'm not that good at not winning. I really like to win. So parenting is hard for me. Because I have the maturity of a toddler when I lose. And, in this game of parenthood, I get beat a lot.
4. I am a freak. Probably because I was an only child until I was nearly 11. I'm joking. (I hope). But seriously. I am a total freak. Lots of people think I'm calm and cool and collected and totally have my shit together. That, my dear, should earn me an Oscar. Because when it comes to parenthood, I freak out about everything! It's really freaking stressful to be such a freak. In fact, at this very moment I am considering pulling you out of preschool 5 weeks before the end of the year because I'm convinced the place is crawling with disease. How else could I possibly feel when you've spent the entire winter sneezing, coughing, puking, and pooping? See....total freak. But I won't actually pull you out of school, because that would make my upcoming Oscar award null and void. I would be exposed!
5. I work. I am a bona fide career woman! Yes, I realize lots of people work and have lots of kids. That won't work for me. Sorry. Refer to item #4. I can't possibly juggle a career and being a total freak with TWO kids. You must be out cho' damn mind, girl! (Yes, I just went ghetto on you. I might have a couple college degrees...but I will also get gangster on you in about 1 second. Don't push me. We don't listen to Snoop Dogg in the car for nothing.)
6. I don't have time. You see, you need lots of my time in order for me to feel like I'm doing a decent job. Refer to item #5. Soon you will be in real school, with sports and parties and concerts and God knows what else. I will be there...but it will sometimes be hard. I can't promise that I will always be at all your events if I had to split my time with two kids. But I can promise you now. Being there is important...and I will be there.
7. I'm not buying a minivan. And I'm reasonably sure a second child requires it. I try really hard to be open minded, but a minivan is not an option. I'd rather lose a limb. Hell, I'd rather sleep with Rush Limbaugh. (By the time you read this, Rush Limbaugh will be dead. But look him up and you will see just how badly I hate minivans.)
8. I'm free! Kind of. Now that you are a little older, I can go do stuff sometimes and leave you with your daddy. I would not trust him with two kids by himself. He's a great daddy, I know. But he dresses you funny. And he feeds you weird stuff. And buys you anything you want. And he will also undoubtedly have a heart attack if we were to produce another little girl as pretty as you when boys start calling. His life insurance is not lucrative enough for an untimely death...so I'm not taking any chances. Plus, I kind of like having him around.
So those are my reasons why you are not getting a baby sister. I know you really want one. Sorry. This isn't the last time you will be disappointed. It sucks, I know. But look on the bright side: you being an only child practically guarantees that you won't need school loans or therapy for sibling rivalry issues. And you have a reasonable chance of getting through childhood without your mother having a mental breakdown! See...I'm actually doing you a big favor!
I love you lots!
Mama
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