Dear Elli,
Today you heard your Daddy and me have a shouting match. I'm sorry. I already apologized to you in person, but I will say it again. Sorry.
Anyway, this spectacular contest of who has the loudest voice was all about purchasing an automobile. A 2014 Dodge Ram to be exact. The kind with the back seat and everything. The kind that I'm pretty sure your Daddy dreams about at night....and probably during the day, too.
You see, the dealership called. Daddy was downstairs in the family room in his underwear watching TV after dinner. Because he clearly doesn't enjoy wearing pants. But then it happened. The F-ing dealership called. You and I were picking strawberries outside in the yard. We were both wearing pants.
So all of the sudden the front door bursts open and your Daddy jumps out. (Thank God he put his pants back on.)
Anyway, he starts talking 100 miles per minute about the salesman that said there is a truck that is the LAST one left and the incentives run out TODAY and SWEET BABY JESUS he has to go to the dealership right F-ING NOW or we could miss the greatest deal on the planet!
Those words were enough to wake up the nasty. Really? Gotta do it right now? I'm picking strawberries, Mr Asshole at the dealership. I'd rather not bend myself over a barrel at this very moment, thank you very much and you're welcome. Go Dodge Ram yourself right in the ass. SUCKA!
Your Daddy thinks I'm mean. Sometimes I am. But I hate automobile buying. It sucks. I've never had a pleasant experience. Even my best experience made me feel like a two bit hooker after a VERY busy night.
So we had this shouting match. Because I'm mean and he doesn't like it when I'm mean. And he is at the dealership right now. And he just called to ask me the amount of our mortgage payment. Looks like I probably lost.
So, as a result of our shouting match I received a headache, a sudden increase in blood pressure, a new loan payment, and a Dodge Ram....right in the ass. Looks like Mr Asshole at the dealership is laughing all the way to the bank.
And this is a perfect example of why a shouting match clearly gets you a new vehicle. I'm joking. But it totally just happened to me.
Before I end this letter, I feel the need to explain that your Daddy has driven his current truck for 12 years, and he deserves a new one. And we've been talking about it for a month. And I probably didn't need to be mean about Mr Asshole at the dealership.
So when he gets home I will apologize. Because that is what we are supposed to do when we are mean. And I want to take this monstrosity of a truck for a spin. And he won't let me if he's still mad at me. So I will apologize.
And I hope you will see that even though I'm mean sometimes, I love your Daddy and I love you. And I will always apologize for my meanness. And I will most likely always be mean about purchasing a vehicle.
Love,
Mom
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