Dear Elli,
The other day, you told me that I'm "not fit to live in a suburban neighborhood" because I'm "not festive" during holidays.
I'm very festive! I love holidays! All of them! Except Sweetest Day because that's the dumbest shit on the planet.
However, I hate decorating for holidays. Hell, I hate decorating for any reason. It just seems pointless to me. Why on earth would I drag a bunch of crap out of a closet somewhere, put it up, look at it for a couple weeks, and then drag it all back to the closet for another year? I'm all about maximizing my level of fun for the brief time I get to spend on this earth, and that doesn't sound fun to me. It sounds like a total buzzkill.
I like nice things, don't get me wrong. I have a few tasteful works of art on the walls that I enjoy looking at. That's all the decoration I need. I don't want knick knacks. I don't want fake pumpkins or Santa figurines or Valentine cupids or Easter Bunnies or anything else that gets in my way or that I have to dust. I'll put up a Christmas Tree. That's it.
And when we have a party (which is fairly often because I love parties), I'm way more interested in having fun than the color of the stupid napkins. Who even cares? You literally wipe food off of your face with them. Does it matter what they look like? Total waste of brain power as far as I'm concerned.
Anyway, you think I'm awful because I see zero value in decorating. You said, "Don't you think it would be really cool if our house looked so festive that the neighbors would drive by and wish they lived here?"
No. I don't care what the neighbors think. I already drive through our suburban oasis thumping rap music every day. I hardly think decorating our yard for Halloween is going to change the fact that they all want us to go back to Akron.
Anyway, I kind of felt like a bad mom because I know how important holiday decorations are to you. So I took you to Target and let you pick out some Halloween decorations to compliment our jack o lanterns. I'm not a monster, you know. I absolutely encourage pumpkin carving, and I am an active participant in that activity. Probably because I can throw them in the trash on November 1st.
So you picked out fake spider webs, a giant spider, and a yard sign that says "Beware". And I made you a deal. You can decorate. But I will not participate in your decorating. And whatever you don't put away after Halloween is going straight to the trashcan. I'm not putting a single decoration away in a closet as long as I'm alive on this earth.
So you're outside in the dark right now putting spider webs in the bushes while I write this letter and pregame for trick or treat by eating multiple fun-sized Snicker bars. It's a win/win situation as far as I'm concerned.
I love you. And even though I don't like decorating, you're doing a really good job with your spider webs in the bushes. We are totally gonna be fit to live in a suburban neighborhood when you're finished.
Mom
PS: I love this drawing you made for our front door, so I included a photo of it. Very witty. In one short decade, you're already accomplished in the art of sarcasm. Proud parenting moment.
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