Dear Elli,
I just read an article the other day about a kindergarten girl that has anorexia. I'm not joking. I think this story makes the top half of the most ridiculous things I have ever heard. And I've heard some really ridiculous shit in my life so far.
You and I will get this straight right now and before it ever becomes an issue.
We do NOT deprive ourselves of food in this house. Ever. Never ever. We eat like normal people, which in our case means we eat everything (except liver)...in moderation. You will eat your vegetables, and fruits, and cupcakes with sprinkles.
In addition to eating whatever we want, we will be active. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not signing us up for a mother-daughter triathlon or doing one of those crazy races where you are expected to run through live wires that deliver electric shocks while you try not to puke on yourself. I will, however, school your little booty in a game of PIG in the driveway. This, coupled with eating normally, is sufficient for all of us to maintain our girlish figures.
In addition to eating like normal people and being active, we do NOT look in the mirror with a critical eye and repeatedly berate our imperfections to the point of mental disease. Not in this house. Some may say this is just how women behave. It's not. It is utterly ridiculous.
Now I'm not stupid enough to think that you won't have your insecurities as you grow. You will. We all do.
I understand insecurity, believe me. If I could go back to being 21, I would rock that bangin' body I had back then. (Back then we said "bangin'" and it was cool.) I might even go streaking, or wear one of those tiny shirts that resembles a handkerchief tied in the back with strings that were so cool back in 2002. (I'm joking. I would not go streaking. I'm still too insecure for that. And I don't want to go to jail).
Before we go any further, I want to make it clear that you should never go streaking. I think it is hilarious, but I'm fairly confident that your father will not agree. He also will not like handkerchief shirts.
Anyway, the point is that I don't want you to be a weirdo about your body. You're fine. You're healthy. You're beautiful.
You will undoubtedly go through times in your life when you are skinny and times when you aren't. I do. I currently own pants in every size ranging from 6-12. I've worn all of them at some point in time over the last two years...because sometimes I'm skinny and sometimes I'm not. Either way, I'm mostly happy.
So I suggest the following as we move forward: If you begin to feel insecure about your body, tell me. I will be sure to parade around the house naked and in all my post baby glory. You can take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror afterward, and you are bound to feel much better about yourself. I would absolutely do that for you, because part of me totally lives to horrify you. (And this will probably be my only remaining opportunity to go streaking without the threat of jail time.) And I would much rather horrify you with a nude run through the house than allow you to participate in any way with dieting. I love lasagna, and queso, and beer, and you way too much for that shit.
Love,
Mom
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