Dreams

Dear Elli,

People say our loved ones come to us in our dreams.  To reassure us.  To let us know they are okay.  I don't know if I believe that, but Grandpa Gordon did.  

And I dreamed of him last night.  For the first time since he passed away.  

We were having a family dinner at the house.  Everyone was there, just like normal.  I was standing at the kitchen island making my plate, and I looked over to see Grandpa standing right next to me.  I did a double take, because even in my dream I knew he was gone.  But there he was, looking exactly like he did three months ago.  I looked around at everyone else, but they didn't notice him.  Only I could see him.  

He turned and started walking towards the door with his cane, and I followed him.  I touched his shoulder, and he turned to look at me with a smile on his face.  I put my hands on his shoulders and said, "How are you here?  Are you real?"  

He kept smiling, and in the blink of an eye it was like time reversed by about five years.  He was a little slimmer, healthier, younger, and still smiling.  And I thought to myself, "My God, he looks so much better."

And in another blink of an eye, we were back in my childhood home.  And he looked exactly like he did when I was little.  So young.  About 35 years old.  His hair and beard mostly brown.  His skin flawless.  He was beautiful.  

I touched his chest.  Then put my hands on his belly.  There were no more knotted scars under his shirt.  No colostomy.  He was completely healthy.  And I was so in awe of him standing in front of me.  

I looked into his eyes and said, "I didn't know I was gonna miss you this much.  I love you."  I started to cry, and I hugged him.  He hugged me back so tight.  Just like he always did.  And when I pulled back to look at him again, he was crying too.  I couldn't hear his voice, but I could read his lips.  He said, "I miss you too.  I love you."  

And I woke up.  

I layed there for a minute or two, contemplating my dream.  And then burst into tears.  

I don't pretend to know how the universe works.  I don't know if my dream was my own brain working through the grief of losing my dad, or whether he decided to finally come to me early this morning because he knew I needed him.  

But I do know that I needed to see him healthy.  See him happy.  I needed to know his love for me still exists.  I needed a hug.  And he came through for me.  Just like he always has.  

I love you.

Mom