Dear Elli,
"Never make eye contact while eating a banana."
Somebody posted that sentence on Facebook the other day, and I have been laughing about it, several times a day, ever since. Because I have the maturity of a 7th grade boy.
Before we go any further with this conversation, I want to make it clear that you are not allowed to read this if you are currently under the age of 14. If you are 14 or older, you must read this letter. Because it conveys knowledge that every self respecting woman needs to learn.
There are certain foods that, as an adult member of the female gender, you should avoid eating in mixed company. And by mixed company, I mean men who are not members of your family. These foods generally include bananas, cream sticks, lollipops, ice cream cones, and sometimes even string cheese.
If these foods must be consumed in mixed company, it should be done quickly, efficiently, and without the slightest indication that you are enjoying said food item. And do not, under any circumstances, make eye contact with any member of mixed company during consumption. It has the potential to cause extreme awkwardness and undue levels of excitement.
I realize what I'm saying is unfair and impairs your ability to enjoy wonderful snacks in mixed company. Sorry. Don't hate the player. Hate the game. I'm merely trying to help a sister out. And we all know that life is not fair. Especially for women who love bananas.
Now I'm going to tell you a story. In an effort to prove my point.
This one time, in band camp....I'm totally screwing with you. I never went to band camp. I have no musical ability that extends beyond bobbing my head to 90's hip hop music. That was actually a reference to a movie called "American Pie" that was super cool when I was in high school. And I obviously have ADHD today. Because it has very little relevance to our topic today.
So for real now. This one time, on a business trip a couple years ago, I was really hungry. I had been attending meeting after meeting, all over the city, all morning long. Without any breakfast. So we were waiting for a late lunch meeting in the office of a member of our sales force. And he (mixed company) only had string cheese in his office refrigerator. No big deal. Right?
I ripped open the package and started eating my string cheese with the raw pleasure of a starving child in Rwanda, while pouring through a client file across the desk from mixed company.
I suddenly got the feeling I was being watched. So I looked up from my file.
And I was being watched. With a level of interest that was exceedingly excessive for a starving woman who was just trying to eat some freaking string cheese. For the Love of God! It wasn't even a banana! And I don't bare even the slightest resemblance to either Carmen Electra. Or Pam Anderson. I thought I was safe!
When these things happen, no words are spoken. You just know. I don't know how. It's a woman thing. Call it intuition. But you know immediately that your string cheese has suddenly become a phallus. A humiliatingly slim phallus, but a phallus nonetheless. (I think this is the first time I have ever used the word "phallus" in a sentence. And it feels slightly creepy and refreshingly liberating at the same time. Say it with me! Phallus. Phallus. PHALLUS! Wooo Hooo!)
Anyway. I did what any self respecting woman would do. I maintained eye contact, jammed the entire remainder of string cheese in my mouth, bit down as violently as possible without breaking a tooth, smiled, and went back to reading my file. Problem solved. Spell broken. Back to business.
And the point of my story is that no woman is safe from this bizarre food-to-phallus transformation. It doesn't matter whether you are Carmen Electra or Jabba The Hut. (In case you were wondering, I fancy myself somewhere in between. Like maybe Tina Fey. Because Tina Fey is both mildly attractive and hilarious. And we both have similar glasses. And I love her).
So be mindful. Of your food choices. And the manner in which you consume them. Or you risk the possibility of becoming a porn star in the eyes of mixed company. And you have a 529 Plan. Which means there is no need for you to become a porn star.
I love you.
Mom
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