Dear Elli,
Today, you punched a little boy in the face. I'm not shitting you. It was not an accident. It was not involuntary in any way. You closed your fist, wound up, and blasted the poor kid right in the side of his face. You made him cry. You're really freaking mean.
So I'm a little irritated with you. Not because you punched a little boy in the face, but rather because you didn't have a good enough reason. You did it because you "don't like him".
Guess what, sweet cheeks? I'm very aware of what it feels like to have the insatiable urge to face punch someone. I feel that way regularly. And before I became a functioning adult, I may have punched a few faces myself. But it is imperative for you to have a justifiable reason before you haul off and cold cock somebody in the face.
Let me give you an example. When I was twelve, a boy pushed me down because he thought he was cool. I quietly picked myself up off the ground and popped that little bastard right in the mouth. I still remember the satisfaction I felt when his stupid bully lip bled all over his stupid bully t-shirt. He cried like a little wussy.
But, you see, I only hit him because he pushed me down. He tried to embarass me. He was a little jerk. So I embarassed him. Because I'm a damn gangsta. Don't ever forget that. Your mother is a damn gangsta.
If you want to also pursue the status of "gangsta", there are rules to the game. They must be followed at all times. Allow me to school you.
1. You NEVER bully people. Unless it is a bully. You can absolutely bully a bully. I encourage it.
2. You NEVER take advantage of people who are weaker than you in any way. You look out for those people. You protect them whenever you can.
3. You NEVER fear a bully. And, if you do, you NEVER let it show. You smile at bullies. It confuses the shit out of them because they're incredibly stupid.
4. You ONLY put your hands on someone as a last resort. If ignoring and smiling doesn't work, you can totally light em' up. And after that, you must apologize to them in front of their friends. You'll never have a problem again.
(Rule #4 only applies throughout childhood and adolescence. When you're an adult, you can't touch anyone. No matter what. That's called assault, and people will think you're a moron.)
See? Four rules. That's it. If you can follow four simple rules, you'll be a damn gangsta. It's not always easy, but it's worth it. You'll see.
And , just so you know, I'm not nearly as appalled as I should be by your street fighting abilities. I should really be appalled.
You're totally lucky that you have me as a mother instead of some lady who wears penny loafers and knits sweaters.
I love you, kid.
Mom a.k.a. "Damn Gangsta"
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