Dear Elli,
I've been thinking about something a lot lately. Something that's been bothering the shit out of me. It's this cultural phenomenon that's been happening for awhile now, and you and I had an exchange about it last week.
You essentially said to me that if a friend or family member doesn't think or behave the way we think they should, it's perfectly acceptable to cut them off and move on about your merry way through life without them.
Now, this concept certainly isn't foreign to me. We all hear it all the time. It's the thought that if family or friends make us feel angry or sad or disagree with our personal choices or beliefs or really just cause us discomfort in any way ever, we're definitely better off without them. Cut them off. Disown them. Burn all the photos in the trashcan and then make a voodoo doll of them and poke it full of sewing needles! Screw them all! We're not gonna tolerate other people's bullshit anymore! (But we never talk about our own bullshit. Apparently that's totally tolerable.)
And every now and then, it's even true. Some people are truly horrific.
But more often than not, it's utter bullshittery. It's not a show of personal strength. It's weak. The only thing it reflects is a lack of tolerance and a very low level of intellectual, mental, and emotional fortitude. That was super harsh. Sue me.
Now I want to apply this stupidity specifically to family. Because the family side of this topic especially burns my ass.
If I had a dollar for everyone who told me how lucky we are to have such a large tight-knit family, I'd probably be richer than Elon Musk.
Like we all just magically get together regularly and agree on everything. Love each other unconditionally at every moment. Like we've never had catastrophic problems within our ranks. Or infighting. Jealousy. Pettiness. Like we all behave super well all the time and we just can't stop smiling at one another every minute of the day.
Give me a damn break. There is no luck here. I don't believe in luck. I believe in work. Especially when it comes to family.
Contrary to a segment of popular opinion, I believe that in the vast majority of cases, blood is in fact thicker than water. And not just you, Dad, and me, either. Everyone. From the wild and crazy and most unpredictable siblings and cousins and aunts and uncles to the most solid upstanding citizens among us. We're all important.
But it's really hard work to get along with people. And sometimes even to love people. Especially when they're completely unlike us. I'm not blind to that fact. But the vast majority of the time, I believe it's worth it.
Nobody's perfect, kid. We're all a product of our own experience, and that experience is always limited. Most of us do the best we can, but we all fall short of other people's expectations sometimes. Sometimes a little short. And sometimes WAY short. Some of us acknowledge our shortcomings, and some of us purposely deny them or simply don't even realize they exist at all. And some people's expectations of us are completely ridiculous in the first place.
Humans are weird. We can never truly know a single person other than ourselves. And some of us have a hard time even knowing ourselves. A lot of people say that's a lie. They'll say, "Oh no, that's not true. I know my (insert family member or close friend) inside and out. I know their whole heart and soul and everything about them." Bullshit. No you don't. We might know a lot, but we'll never know everything that's inside another person. Not ever.
That's what makes people shit hard. We constantly project our own experiences and perspectives onto other people, because we're really the only person we know. We expect people to think and behave like we do. But they don't. Because they're not us. Theoretically, it's a simple concept. But in practice, it's hard as hell to get that through our thick skulls.
If you want my honest opinion, from my perspective our entire family is completely insane in one way or another. And if I sat and dwelled on every quality that I don't appreciate in every member of our family, I'd find a reason to hate everyone. That's easy. Anyone can do that.
But if we flip that backwards and dwell on the amazing qualities of each person instead, it's a totally different vibe. That's a little harder. It's work. But everyone has amazing qualities too. Literally everyone. And they can all bring value to our lives.
I hate to break it to you, but we're not all created equally. Not in terms of our strengths, weaknesses, thoughts, or capabilities. That's a lie that often results in great disappointment all around.
I would never suggest that we love everyone in the exact same way. Or trust them the same. Or count on them the same. Or confide in them the same. They are not the same. That would be dumb. But I am saying that we all bring some value to the table. We're not all equal, but we're equally important. And I think we're all worth the work it takes to stick together. Even when we suck. Because we all suck at least some of the time.
Family will hurt you sometimes. Disappoint you. Piss you off. Appall you. Hell, they may even disgust you from time to time. Sometimes you'll be so sick of someone's dumbassery that you'll want to punch them in the nostrils. Simmer down for a week or two and then invite them to the cookout anyway. Make it your business to know their amazing qualities, take note of their limitations, and love them the best you can where they are. Not where you are, or where you think they should be. It's hard work and you'll definitely screw it up sometimes, but do it anyway. And don't ever be so ignorant to think they aren't doing the same thing for you, and perhaps you're just too caught up in your own bullshit to even notice. You'll probably never know for sure, and that's exactly what makes it worth the work.
After all, that kind of work is the reason you have the biggest, baddest, craziest bunch of family on the planet. That's the reason you are loved and surrounded by so many different people with so many different kinds of lifestyles and perspectives. That's why you have so much knowledge and so many different experiences to draw from. And for both good and bad, all of us are part of the fabric of who we are. It's all worth it.
I love you.
Mom
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