Dear Elli,
We went on vacation last week. A family vacation to the beach in North Carolina. This year there were ten of us. Yes. Ten. In a 4-bedroom house with 2 bathrooms. I'm not joking. What could go wrong?
Actually, it worked out pretty well. No fist fights in the front yard. No arrests. Nothing. We all actually had fun. Tons of fun. It was great. I will give you the highlight reel:
1. Your Grandpa Mike got a speeding ticket on the way down. $218. Apparently the police in rural North Carolina don't take kindly to his fancy northern Ohio accent. Or his need for speed. I nicknamed him "Grandpa Felony" for the week.
2. Your Grandma Becky absent-mindedly pulled a piece of hush puppy from your 2-year-old cousin, Bryson's, hair and ate it on our first restaurant adventure. Yes, you read that correctly. She ate it. It was awesome! And it will fuel my family jokes for years to come. Did you know we are actually a family of apes?
3. Your cousin Issac, who (like you) is also 4-years-old, is clearly smitten with my charming personality and sunny disposition. He followed me around all week and I only showered without him because I locked myself in the bathroom. But that didn't stop him from standing outside the door and professing his love for me while begging me to let him in.
4. Children under 4 years of age need to be reminded exactly 78 times per day to keep their mouths closed while swimming. One failure to remind them results in the inhalation of water, along with the 5 minutes of choking and sputtering that follows.
5. We flew a kite on the beach. Three times. On the third day, the thing fell from the sky and nose dived into your face. I'm serious. Of the millions of possible places for it to land, it chose your face. How lucky is that? You will be reminded of your luck every time you look in the mirror until the bruise goes away.
6. There was only one spousal argument. And it wasn't us! And it was hilarious! Because it wasn't us!
7. Your Uncle Jeff is afraid of "Palmetto bugs". That is southern speak for "giant cockroach". I'm terrified of them, too, but I'm a girl. He screams like a girl. He is a hardened man with multiple tattoos who installs roofing for a living. And he screams like a high school cheerleader when confronted by a "Palmetto bug".
8. Your cousin, Paityn, who is 12-years-old, spilled a can of Dr. Pepper four times in less than 10 minutes. I'm not joking. And I've mental noted the fact that preteen girls lack physical coordination. They don't sit, they plop. And they don't run, they gallop. And they don't eat, they pick. And they also have mood swings like small mental patients. And they will update each wild swing on Facebook. Every hour.
9. Your Aunt Becky is awesome! She often appears to be the most docile creature on the planet who never gets mad at anyone. Ever. But I saw her get fired up at the kids on our last night. And I will quote her: "Vacation is over now! And I'm done being a nice Mommy! Now put the chicken wing DOWN!"
10. I called a two-year-old child a crackhead. In my defense, it was an accident. And it just slipped out. Poor Bryson was screaming at the top of his lungs because he was tired. For like 20 minutes straight. And I was trying to think. So I asked Aunt Becky to "take that little crackhead upstairs". It was a term of endearment really. Although she probably didn't think so.
So that was our vacation. Our family vacation. I'm glad we went. Because, even though we all resemble one giant dysfunctional mess, we had tons of fun. All ten of us.
And when we got home and I tried to grab a paper plate from the cupboard, I was almost knocked unconscious by my watch. Because your Daddy hid my watch from potential home invaders. On top of the paper plates in the kitchen cupboard. Because, to him, that makes perfect sense. Even though our televisions and laptop remained in clear sight. Because I'm sure home invaders are much more interested in my watch. My watch that is not a Rolex.
I love you.
Mom
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