Dear Elli,
When I die, please don't hold a funeral for me. And no calling hours, either. I know I'm not the first person to say this, but I really want you to throw a party. A super crazy, drunken bash. Like a rockstar party. That's what I want.
I want people to tell stories and laugh about all the stupid shit I've done, and maybe remember some of the good things I've done, too. And I know some people will cry, but I want more laughter than tears. A lot more laughter.
I just got home from calling hours tonight. My friend's mom passed away.
It's terrible to see people we care for in pain. And I really suck at funerals. Me, the one who always has something to say. At funerals, I've got nothing.
When I got to the end of the receiving line and saw my friend's face, all I could do was hug him as tight as I could. And nod my head when he thanked me for coming. That's it. No words. I could not speak a single word.
What could I say that could possibly improve the situation? Nothing, that's what. Not "I'm sorry", or "It will be okay", or "You're in my thoughts". None of those things are good enough. They seem so cheap in the face of such loss. So I said nothing. And I hope that my presence was enough for him to know how much I care. Because I suck at funerals.
And that's why I don't want one. I want a party. Because I'm really good at parties. I'm good at laughing. And making other people laugh. I'm good at eating. And drinking. And dancing. Flawlessly reciting hundreds of rap songs. And saying outrageous things to make people smile. Smiling. I'm really freaking good at smiling. That's maybe what I do best.
So when I die, I want everyone to try out all the things I'm good at. Smile, laugh, eat, drink, dance, say outrageous things about me, and recite all of my favorite rap songs. And cry if you need to, but laugh even harder. That's what I want.
I love you.
Mom
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