Dear Elli,
We just arrived home from our very first girl's trip together. We went to Nashville for cousin Robin's wedding reception. Cousin Lauren had the pleasure of travelling in our company. It was awesome, so I'm going to share with you the highlights of our trip.
On our way down to Cincinnati to pick up Lauren, we experienced the beautiful sights of Ohio farm country. Our most favorite taste of rural beauty was the billboard that read, "HELL IS REAL!" on the side of the highway. How charming....
When we finally arrived, after 8 hours of driving, we ate dinner and went swimming in the hotel pool, where you met a little boy named Christopher. He was vacationing with his grandparents. Grandpa was awesome. Christopher was kind of a wussy boy. He was afraid to jump in the pool, so you showed him the ropes.
Grandpa Awesome thought you were also awesome, so he asked your name. You replied, "My name is Elli, but I try to get people to call me Sweety." He laughed because you're hilarious. Then he teased you and said he couldn't get his hair wet because it would fall out, and pointed to his head to show you proof that it had already started to come out. You replied, "That's not true! That's just a bald spot from you being old!" He asked you how you got so ornery. I pretended there was something fascinating in the sky....
The next day we went to cousin Robin's wedding reception. She's my baby cousin. But she's not a baby anymore. She married herself a handsome soldier. You told me that she is the prettiest girl in the whole world, and I think you're probably right.
In addition to meeting Robin, you got to meet her brother, Beau. Beau and I were super close growing up, and I miss him a lot. He's married now, too. With four kids! And you got to play with them all day long! We had a great day. You played with the kids while I drank beer, got a tan, and hung out with my cousins. What could be better than that!?!
Wait, there's more! You also met your Aunt Janice, who was always the "cool aunt", and still is. Her ex-husband, Uncle Dave. His new wife, her kid, and her kid's boyfriend, who we secretly named "Trooper Bob". He is a cop. So I eyed him suspiciously all day. Because cops aren't generally in the company of our family. Unless someone is being arrested.
If you're confused about all these family members, former family members, and indirect family members with new marriages, just wait. It gets better. And it's even more fun than figuring out how you have three Grandpas from just my side of the family!
The next day, we drove into downtown Nashville and checked into our next hotel. The Gaylord Opryland! Where the guests don't smile. Because they are either totally shitty human beings or they've been filled with so much botox that it is physically impossible. Either way, we proceeded straight to the pool bar, where we promptly ordered frozen drinks and made the bartender take our picture. And you promptly dumped your virgin strawberry daiquiri directly into your lap.
We met Lauren's brother, Christopher, for lunch at our hotel. He happens to live in Nashville. But this brother is not our cousin. Because he is the child of Lauren's dad and his second wife, neither of which we have any blood relation to. Our blood relation comes from Lauren's mom. So our cousin's brother, who is not our cousin, ate lunch with us and came to the pool to drink margaritas and look at all the botox-riddled non-smilers with us.
There was a man holding court in the swimming pool. He was an older gentleman with a gold watch, a nice tan, and perfectly wind-blown gray hair. He was holding his arm, which contained the gold watch, outside the pool so it wouldn't get wet while he said very important things to his associates in the swimming pool. His associates included various un-smilers, who I'm sure were very impressed with his non-waterproof gold watch.
I was feeling a little ornery, so you and I started repeatedly jumping in the pool together. We weren't really in danger of splashing him, but I hope it was enough to make Mr. Gold Watch a little jumpy. Who the hell wears a gold watch in a swimming pool, anyway? Idiot.
At the pool, you met three new friends, who were all siblings. Lilly, Dominick, and Gabriel. You told them you are from Ohio. But you don't know where they are from, because they couldn't remember. Kids are like drunk people. They tell people to call them "Sweety", dump drinks into their laps, and forget where they live.
After the pool, one of the escalators inside the hotel attacked you. I'm serious. You totally blamed your utter lack of adequate equilibrium on the escalator. I'm telling you....just like drunk people.
You fell and the edge of the step punctured your knee. It actually scared me pretty badly for a few minutes and I thought you might need stitches. But it finally stopped bleeding, you finally stopped screaming, and we went to dinner and took a boat ride on the indoor river inside the hotel. All was good.
On our drive home, you were kind of a little jerk. You kept screeching and whining. Mostly because you were exhausted from all the excitement. With every screech, I noticed a more pronounced cringe from Lauren. I'm nearly certain that you have single-handedly wrecked any possible chance that Lauren will ever decide to have children. Nice job. Now her mom will probably never buy you another birthday present.
But we made it home! Safe and sound! Your first girl's trip was a success. And I'm totally ready to plan another one. As soon as Lauren recovers.
I love you. Even though you act like a drunk person.
Mom
Hozzászólások