Good Enough

Dear Elli,

I work a lot.  And sometimes, I'm gone a lot.  My work is a great source of pride for me, and it's a great source of guilt for me, too.  Because I miss you when I'm gone.  And sometimes I think I'm totally screwing you up.

This week, my company hosted another big event.  I was gone every night.  

When you woke up this morning and saw I was home, you squealed your happiest little squeal and gave me a big giant hug.  You said you missed me so much.  You said you were so happy to see me.  And you followed me around the house all morning while we got ready for the day and I quizzed you on your spelling words.

We went out to dinner tonight after I picked you up.  Just you and me.  You told me all about your week, and I told you about mine.  You told me you were proud that I did my presentation for work without puking, and I told you I was proud of all your hard work at school.  Then you told me again that you really missed me. 

I asked you what you miss most about me when I'm gone, mostly because I love the way you answer my questions.  And your answer tonight made me feel like a million freaking dollars.  Like being me, as bat shit crazy as I am, might just be good enough for you.  Even though I'm gone sometimes.

You said the house is "so quiet" when I'm not home, but I'm really loud "only in a good way". 

You said, "Mom, there's nobody in the whole world who acts like you.  You remember what it's like to be a kid, and you help me with my own childhood.  You even stand in the bathroom and talk to me while I'm taking a shower when I ask you to.  You aren't overprotective like other moms.  Sometimes you act like a teenager.  You do fun things with me, like Slide the City.  Stuff that most moms would never do.  You don't worry about stupid things, but you still always keep me safe.  Sometimes you are pesky, though.  You always make me work hard at school and at soccer.  But my whole soccer team still likes you when you coach.  Because you're really fun to be around even when you make us work."   

Holy shit, right!?!???  I've been really busy beating the shit out of myself about all the stuff I don't do.  But all you seem to care about are the things that I do.  (Besides the "pesky" part, which I'm totally okay with.)   

I know our lives are hectic and crazy busy and it's mostly because of me.  I know I parade around the house barking orders day and night, trying to make sure we're all getting everything done.  I know that I'm short tempered and totally bitchy sometimes.  I know your life isn't always as calm as it should be.  I know that it hurts you every single time I leave you for another business trip.  I know I expect more of you than I should sometimes.  I know being my kid isn't easy.  I know it's really freaking hard sometimes.

But, even though I'm laughably imperfect, I also know that I love you.  And I know that you love me, too.  I'm no genius, but I think that means we're gonna be okay.   

Thank you, Elli.  Thank you for being you.  And thank you for letting me be me. 

I love you.

Mom