Dear Elli,
Wow! What a year we just finished.
2021 was a heart breaker. Some years are like that. It wasn't my first tough year, and it certainly won't be my last. Life is just really damn messy sometimes. But in the middle of all the heartbreak and pain and sheer insanity that life can pile on, there's always beauty to be found in there somewhere.
The beginning of every year is always a time of reflection for me. I look at the past, at all that I've learned and experienced, and I also look toward the future.
The thing I feel the strongest as I reflect on the last year isn't the heartbreak. Of course I feel that. It will always be there. But the strongest feeling, believe it or not, is love. So. Much. Love.
I don't often expect much of anything from anyone beyond their general good will. That's not meant to be an egotistical statement. It's simply the truth. I don't generally need much.
Except that wasn't true at all in 2021. I needed a tremendous amount from my people. And I received so much more than I ever could've imagined. People from every part of my circle, near and far, came through for me last year. Held me up. Supported me. Kept me sane. And just plain loved me.
I think I became a better version of myself over the past year. At least I hope I did. A version I think I love a little more than the last one. A little more forgiving. A little more tolerant. A little softer. And so much more grateful. For everything. And yes, even for last year.
Lord knows it wasn't easy. I kicked and fought with negativity and felt bitter and mean and unforgiving and just plain hateful as hell sometimes. But the same people who loved me through the heat of hellfire were there through those moments too, and they reminded me of who I am. Bitter and pissy is not who I am. Bitter and pissy isn't who I want to be. Bitter and pissy suck. Screw them.
And here I am. A little better.
I've thought about life a lot over the past year. Life in general, what I've learned about life, and mostly what I'm trying so hard to teach you about life. And by far the most important thing I know about life, and maybe the only thing I'm actually certain of, is simply to live it. Truly live.
It's short. So short.
A lot of people exist. Billions of them. But not so many are truly living. Too many people spend all their lives pent up in little self-imposed prisons, doing things they hate and avoiding things they want because they think they should, and never truly enjoying more than a few minutes of their short time here. Jesus. It's depressing.
So of course now I feel the need to put some of my life living lessons in writing to you in honor of the new year, just in case I haven't effectively rammed them verbally and through example into your head by the time I'm dead. Here it goes:
Make your own rules, and then stay true to them. This is your life. You only get to do this once. Live it your way. Every day. And anybody who tells you otherwise is an asshat.
Don't wait for Friday to live. People who merely exist wait for Friday, wishing away every other day of the week. And then they're back to bitching again by noon every Sunday.
Don't ever hurt anyone with malicious intent, but also do what makes you happy. Even if it makes somebody else feel butthurt. It's not your responsibility to make other people happy with your life. But it is your responsibility to make yourself happy with your life.
Face your fears, face your feelings, and face your demons. Figure them out. And then work on that shit as hard as you can for the rest of your life. Don't walk this earth making other people deal with your issues, pretending like it's not your own problem to solve. People who exist do that. They don't have the courage to look in the mirror and face their own bullshit. That's not living.
Anger and rage are almost always just a really shitty way to express pain. Know that. Feel the anger when you need to. But admit you're hurt, most importantly to yourself. And when somebody hurts you, know that it's almost never really about you. It's usually about them. And you can't fix other people. They'll either look in the mirror or they won't. Work on yourself instead. And try not to be an asshole.
Do wild shit. Not stupid shit, but wild shit. Unexpected. Impulsive. Maybe a little dangerous. Live on the edge every now and then. It gets your adrenaline pumping. It will make you smile. And it will give you amazing stories to tell.
Don't do something simply because it's legal. And don't avoid doing something simply because it's illegal. Some laws are dumb. You decide what's right, but make damn sure it's worth it. A lot of people will disagree with that one. Let them. Think for yourself.
Do really awesome, outlandish shit for other people sometimes, but don't tell everyone about it. Let it be yours. It feels amazing, and it's fun as hell.
And for God's sake don't try to convince other people of anything about yourself. Not your goodness, not your character, not your success or your financial status, not your beauty, not your intelligence, not your anything. Let people think whatever they want. Just be you, whatever that is, and you'll find all the best people.
Connect with people. Don't assume anything about anyone. There are amazing people everywhere, and they aren't always where you think they're gonna be. In fact, most of the time they aren't. Give everyone a chance. You'll never regret it.
Never lend money to anyone. If you have it, just give it to them.
Money is a tool, nothing more. It's a tool that can provide tremendous opportunity. But it's also a dangerous tool. If you don't control it, it will absolutely control you. And then it will enslave you. Don't be a dumbass with money. Also, know that most people are dumbasses with money.
People will burn you sometimes. They will take advantage of you. They will lie to you. And they will break your heart. Let it happen. Feel the hurt. Don't be a moron and put yourself in the same position with them again, but try not to hate them either. Because you'll do the same thing to other people sometimes, intentionally or not. Nobody's perfect. Everybody is an asshole sometimes.
Know that when you live your life. And I mean truly live it. Without fear or shame or regret or apology - you're one hell of a shining soul. Mostly because you're happy. And free. People are drawn to those who truly live. Try to make them smile as much as you can. Spread your joy as far and as wide as you can. It's always worth it. And who knows, you might inspire a few people to live a little too.
Happy New Year, Elli. Live your life. I love you.
Mom
Comments