Dear Elli,
Holy Mother of God, sweet baby Jesus in Heaven Happy New Year!
I drank a very sizable margarita at dinner, did a shot of tequila, and then smoked a Newport outside on the deck in the snow. I'm not joking. No cap. (That's what the young people say in 2020 when they mean, "I'm totally serious". So I use it now to make you cringe.)
I don't even smoke. I haven't smoked habitually for a lot of years, but the last day of 2020 simply requires a cigarette or twenty. And only Newport smoke is sufficient for 2020. It's been a rough year. Judge me if you want. Judgy Judgerton.
2020 sucked. It was the most awful, depressing, frustrating, yet eye-opening year I have ever experienced in my entire life. I hope to never see anything like it ever again. Like forever ever...ever, ever....like Outkast said.
I hated this year. And I don't hate much of anything. But add 2020 to the list of things I hate. Child molesters and rapists and Newark, NJ and wool sweaters and when the bottom of my foot itches while I'm driving and I can't scratch it without wrecking my car. Add 2020 to that list. It was that awful.
However. And there is a big however here. I'm thankful as well. I kept my job. Your dad kept his job. We are not struggling to feed ourselves. You've been in school almost every day this school year. In person. With your teachers. And most of your friends. You're swimming again. On the real life actual swim team. You're doing well in almost every way, given the circumstances. I know how lucky we are, and how unlucky a lot of other people are right now.
We got through "home schooling" you through the last grading period of 5th grade. You passed 5th grade. I drank a lot of Mich Ultra. And we made it.
I finally figured out how to wear a mask without fogging up my glasses about three weeks ago. My God, that was a massive accomplishment! It's a damn shame it took me 9 months to figure that one out.
We traveled this year. We did our annual family beach vacation, which was even more awesome than usual. We were together. We had an amazing time. And for that week in June, the world felt almost normal.
And you and I did not give up on our annual girl's trip plans. Because our annual girl's trip is just about the most important thing on the planet. So after a failed attempt at Chicago in the spring, we went westward instead and saw some of the most beautiful places I've ever seen in my life. We literally layed across the hood of our rental car in the middle of the night at Arches National Park and watched a meteor shower together. Who does that? Almost nobody, that's who. We are lucky, kid. So lucky.
And don't ever forget the night you accidentally locked us out of our motel room in the middle of nowhere in Utah and the motel office was closed for the night and we had to call this random number (thank God you never set your stupid phone down so it was in your hand when you locked us out) and wait for this nice man to drive to the motel from his house to unlock our room while I stood outside with you in my pajamas with no shoes and no bra.
I wanted to kill you for locking us out. I did. But that is also the type of shit we will laugh about for the rest of our lives so I'm totally glad it happened. I can already picture you laughing 60 years from now, telling that story to your grandkids after I'm long gone and buried. Cracking up remembering me cussing up a storm outside a totally empty and slightly sketchy motel in my pajamas in the middle of nowhere in Utah during a global pandemic, with no shoes and no bra, trying to figure out how to get us back in our room. We did it, though. It was fine. And just so you know, I absolutely would've thrown a brick through the window and paid for it later if that man didn't come. No cap.
I worked out this year. A lot more than usual. It was basically the only thing that kept me sane, and I am rocking some serious muscles for a middle aged suburban mom. I could absolutely beat up the snotty ladies at Target now. You know who I mean. Don't pretend you don't know.
And speaking of snotty ladies at Target, I should probably look into getting some Botox. Or at least a high quality wrinkle cream. Because the fine lines by my eyes have really decided to show themselves this year. I'm 100% sure it's from squinting incredulously while reading the news every day for the past 10 months.
I read a lot and wrote a lot did a lot of thinking this year. A lot. I thought about who I am, and who I want to be. I checked myself. Big time. And I thought about the world. Politics. Religion. Culture. Class. Economics. Public health. Business. Humanity. You name it, I thought about it. And I changed a lot this year. I questioned some of my most fundamental views, and some of those views are very different than they were a year ago. I am not the same.
My greatest epiphany this year was not really an epiphany at all. It's something I've always known. But it's one thing to know something, and quite another to feel the truth of something to the core of your soul. Only then does a thing become truly real. And I feel it now. The only thing that truly matters to me is my family and friends. And nothing, no matter what, is more important than my people. Not differences in opinion. Not politics. Not religion. Not anything. I don't give a single shit if the entire world falls down in burning hellfire all around us. I will take care of my people, and they will take care of me. No matter what. That's the only thing that really means anything at all. And for that, thank you 2020. And good riddance.
Happy New Year, kid. I love you. No cap.
Mom
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