Dear Elli,
I'm completely bewildered by the heroin epidemic we have in our country right now. I seriously cannot wrap my mind around just how bad it has become.
We've been inundated this week by the media with a story about a sixteen year old kid who died in a hotel room ten minutes from our house. He was shooting up with his mom and his grandma. I'm not shitting you. I'm dead serious about this shit.
I think I may have gone to school with the mom, although she was younger than me. I'm damn near sure of it, actually. I don't know why that even matters to me, except that it seems impossible that anyone from my home town could be a character in such a terrible story. My home town is supposed to be a good place. A place where children don't shoot heroin with their parents and grandparents and die in lonely hotel rooms.
I'm angry. But even more than angry, I'm sad. I hate addiction, but I also love a few addicts every bit as as much as I hate their addiction. There are some in our family, and so many old friends. I've watched the news come in for years about former classmates and friends either dead or in jail. Too many. Way too freaking many.
I don't understand how it happens. How someone could think it seems like a good idea to mix together some shit from the street with tap water in a dirty spoon and plunge it straight into a vein. It's horrifying. How sad a person must be to have such little regard for their own well-being. How little they must value life itself.
Addicts seem to manifest every decade into a new drug of choice. Just since I've been around, we've seen epidemics of crack cocaine, crystal meth, and now heroin.
It terrifies me to think of what might be around when you're sixteen. I haven't really thought of your future in terms of the choices you will be faced with until recently. As you get older, I think of you as an independent human being instead of an extra appendage of mine, and it's kind of scary sometimes. I'm afraid that I may not do a good enough job, or that I'll fail you in some unfathomable way.
I know it's my job to help you build the confidence you need to be a healthy adult. To show you how beautiful and valuable life is. How beautiful and valuable you are. And how important each and every one of us are. To mirror those qualities myself so you will see the limitless possibilities we all have. I try to do that every day, and I hope I'm doing it right.
I'm not suggesting you should be perfect, or never make a mistake. I'm not stupid, but I've made plenty of stupid decisions myself. I'm just asking you to be careful, and I'm begging you to avoid the worst decisions. Avoid the things that can destroy your future. The things that can destroy you.
There's a pretty good chance that you'll find yourself drunk at a keg party someday. That's okay. I get it. I've been at that keg party. Call me, or Dad, or a sober friend, or sleep it off in the back yard. Just don't get in the car and try to drive home.
And you might find yourself at another party someday when some douchebag shows up with meth or heroin or some new and improved drug that destroys humanity. If that happens, and it probably will, just grab your shit and leave. You might feel like a dork at the time, but you'll feel a hell of a lot better once you're gone. Trust me on this one. I've been at that party, too.
In life, we all have tough times. We all make mistakes. We are all faced with countless decisions that have the power to make us, or break us. When I think of all the situations I've experienced since my youth, it scares the hell out of me. Not because I was there, but because you will be there someday, too.
So I'll continue to do the best I can to help you grow into the amazing woman I know you can be. But don't fool yourself into believing you're invincible. There are plenty of junkies out there who were destined for great things. The only real difference between Beyoncé and Whitney Houston is the decision they made at that party we talked about earlier.
Be Beyoncé, not Whitney.
I love you.
Mom
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