Dear Elli,
We talk a lot about what you want to be when you grow up. And you always ask if you still have time to change your mind if you want. You're four. You've got plenty of time.
So far you want to be a doctor, a super hero, a firefighter, a princess, and a ballerina. But the other day, you said something new. You said you want to be a Mommy.
Wow. I honestly didn't see that one coming. And after first feeling quite flattered, I responded very poorly. My poor response was, "And what else?". As if being a Mommy isn't enough. And I caught myself in yet another shameful parenting moment.
I thought I was above that kind of thing. The "Mommy Wars". That's a hot topic right now with lots of weirdo parents. And it oftentimes revolves around whether it is better for a mommy to go to work or for her to stay home. I've always thought the bickering on both sides is utterly stupid. Until I caught myself implying to you that staying home isn't enough of a job. It is. More than enough. I was wrong.
But I'm still going to explain my poor response and my expectations for you. Because you deserve it. And because I can't help myself.
I have a career. And my life as a working mom is all I've ever known. And I love it. It is a significant part of my identity as an individual. It means a lot to me. You know that.
In addition, I have the ability to support our family financially. Your Daddy also has this ability, and he has his own career. But if your Daddy drops dead tomorrow, we won't go broke. We would be really sad, but we would not be sad and broke. Just sad. And that's enough negativity for me.
And that is what I want for you. Options. And choices. And the ability to take care of yourself and your family financially, whether you choose to exercise that ability or not. Period. That's what I expect you to do.
That means I expect you to have an education. And I expect you to provide yourself the ability to be financially independent. You have no reason and no excuse to do anything other than that. It is your responsibility. Just as it is mine. And being a Mommy someday makes this responsibility that much more important.
Because this is the real world. And sometimes shitty things happen. You owe yourself the preparedness for any level of shittiness. Whether that means your husband drops dead or breaks his neck or takes off with some hot little number from the office. Or maybe you run off with the pool boy. Just a heads up, the pool boy probably can't support you financially. (I'm joking about you running off with the pool boy. That would be ridiculous.)
Anyway, AFTER you provide yourself with an education and the ability to support your family, go ahead and get your "Mommy" on. I'm cool. It's a hell of a job, though. And you might find it far more difficult than any career. My career is child's play compared to being a Mom. (Yes, the pun is intended.)
And staying home is cool, too. As long as that is a choice. A choice made from a list of other possibilities.
It's not for me, but it might be your thing. If I stayed home, I would most likely develop an unkept look and obsessively watch reruns of Ellen until the filth in our house finally triggers a visit from the health department.
And no. Not because I wouldn't have tons of important and productive things to do, but because I am a procrastinator. I work well only under immense pressure and impossible time constraints. If I think I have time, I do nothing. That's why our house is somewhat clean, the laundry is done, and your permission slip is signed in your backpack and ready to go for the morning. It's because I didn't have time to do any of that! (I realize that makes no sense. But that's how I roll.)
So my ultimate point is that I want you to have options. Because you deserve to have options. Everyone does. Complete dependence on any one situation is not acceptable. So stay home and be a Mommy. Or go to work and be a Mommy. Your choice. As long as it is, in fact, a choice.
I love you.
Mom
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