Dear Elli,
I had one of the most amazing experiences of my life last night. I saw Elton John in concert. I know you don't care much about Elton John, but I do. He's an absolute legend, and I'd marry him right now even though I'm already married and he's a 75 year-old gay man who wants nothing to do with the likes of me or my anatomy.
Before I left for the concert I was sitting on the couch folding laundry, and I got to thinking. About life. Because what the hell else is there to think about while folding laundry on the couch?
Anyway, while matching socks on the couch yesterday, I realized that just one short year ago I was in a completely different place in life. I was in absolute despair. We lost my dad, and it sure felt like a piece of myself went right along with him. And if that wasn't enough, just a few months later we lost Uncle John and every aspect of our lives got totally flipped upside down for awhile.
2021 was a very dark year for our family. But it was also a year of reflection. And growth. For all of us, and most certainly for me personally.
I've always been a big fan of hard times. Not while I'm actually going through it. That part sucks and I do not particularly appreciate it while it's happening. But the thing I do appreciate about hard times is their ability to create new perspective, and transform my entire mindset.
When I take a step back and consider the qualities that I'm most proud of, every single one of them was developed as a result of hardship. I haven't developed a single quality worth mentioning from the easy parts of life. Not even one. That's deep shit right there. Remember it forever, because it's important.
Losing Grandpa Gordon was hard. It's still hard. I suspect it will always be hard. But I'm also a better version of myself today because of it.
I've always known our time on this earth is limited, and I've been pretty good at living my life with the intention to have a damn good time every moment I can. Joy is essentially the meaning of life to me, and always has been. My own joy, and spreading as much of it to as many people as I can. I aspire to be a contagion of joy. That's the goal of my entire life in a nutshell. I'm not joking.
After we lost my dad and Uncle John and lived through the chaos that ensued, it seemed like an appropriate time to take a good hard look in the mirror. I realized very keenly that I may have 40 years left on this earth, but I could also be gone tomorrow. And while I felt pride in myself and my life, I wasn't proud enough. I wasn't pushing myself hard enough to be who I know I can be. According to my standards, I was living a pretty lazy and complacent life. And as a result, I wasn't a contagion of joy.
So I made some changes. To myself, and to my life. Because life is short. And I've got shit to do.
And here we are, dammit. The sun is shining and I'm happy as a pig in shit. (My grandpa used to say that and I think it's fantastic.)
I'm chasing my dreams again. I'm working harder than I've ever worked. I'm pushing myself farther than I've ever pushed. I'm moving away from experiences that don't serve me well, and toward experiences that do. It's not easy to make those types of decisions. I won't pretend it is because that would make me a liar. Sometimes you have to leave behind things and people and places that you love in order to become the person you want to be, and that's really freaking hard. But it's always worth it. Your joy is always worth it.
So I'm back on track to fulfill my destiny as a contagion of joy. And yet again, I have hard times to thank for it. And I also have you to thank. Because you're always watching, and how on earth can I expect you to push yourself toward joy if I don't do the same? Duh...
And Elton John. I definitely have to thank Elton John this morning. Even though he won't marry me.
I love you.
Mom
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