Dear Elli,
2020 has been a shit year. A total shitshow shit-a-rama shitfest. It's been one ridiculously awful thing after another, all year long.
I am a ray of sunshine most of the time. Seriously. Ask anyone. I'm a happy ass woman. Full of smiles and fun and good cheer.
But this year has really screwed with my soul. There have been times this year that I've looked in the mirror and felt truly appalled by the foul nature of my attitude. That is not the type of person I want to be. It doesn't suit me. And it certainly doesn't make me proud of myself. It makes me feel ashamed of myself.
So I've been thinking this week. As I've watched the latest shitshow of an election unfold and struggled mightily not to fall into another bout of foulness over the foul ambiance of the world right now, I started thinking. This year is bad. But it's not all bad. Nothing is ever all bad. There is always a silver lining, even though it's really difficult to see sometimes.
I've preached to you for your entire life so far that struggle is necessary. Adversity is necessary. Without those things, we cannot grow. We cannot ever truly learn. And we ultimately cannot become the best version of ourselves.
God knows I'm no stranger to those things. Most people aren't. But my version of struggle and adversity has almost always been about personal perseverance. Things that I have some element of control over. I am typically in the driver's seat of my own personal shitshows. And even if I'm not, I can at least reach over and grab the wheel a bit. Help steer through it. But this whole 2020 thing is different. I have no control of this particular shitshow. It's like riding in the bed of the 2020 pickup truck as it smashes through a guardrail and bounces down a cliff. Just trying to hold on tight and hope the dumbass driver doesn't kill me. That's what makes this year so shitty. I can't fix it. Poor me, right? Shit, go ahead and roll your eyes. I'm rolling my own eyes right now. It's all good. I know when I'm being melodramatic.
But here's the silver lining to riding in the bed of the 2020 pickup truck: I can't control the world, but I can control myself. I can grow. I have grown. I've done it kicking and screaming the entire way, but dammit I've grown. So have you. And that is my silver lining. Personal growth is some magical shit.
I've read a lot this year. So many freaking books. I have always been a big reader, but this year took it to a whole new level. I read stuff I never would've thought to read if I didn't have so much damn time on my hands. I read things that have changed my entire outlook on race, politics, thought, and humanity. I read about generals and civil rights leaders and hillbillies in Appalachia. I read some classics I always meant to read eventually. Some philosophy. The art of critical thought. I even read a book about trees, for God's sake. I've never given a single shit about trees in my entire life. But the tree book was amazing.
And let me tell you something totally crazy. Of all the people who have ever lived on this planet, guess who changed me more than anyone this year? You're totally gonna shit, but it was Malcolm X. His life changed my entire way of thinking, and that's pretty freaking wild. Only in 2020 could a black civil rights activist who was assassinated in 1965 change the entire thought process of a 38-year-old white suburban woman 55 years later. That is some magical shit right there.
And far beyond my own growth, I've watched you grow. You've opened your mind to the world around you more than ever this year, and I've had the pleasure of watching it happen. You care about things bigger than yourself now. And not only do you care, but you are also beginning to understand the complex nature of everything. That almost nothing is black and white when you look past the surface. And best of all, you're beginning to understand that looking past the surface is the most important part of any thought. We've had our share of philosophical disagreements and even though I think you're insane and sometimes want to strangle you, I'm also proud of you. You're learning how to think big thoughts, and that's some magical shit right there.
And beyond all this intellectual growth, I also want to add that my biceps have also grown. I have been working out like the prison inmate I am. I have literally nothing else to do on my lunch break. So if the apocalypse happens, I am absolutely ready to grapple with a grown man in the street for a loaf of bread. I got your back, kid. Your dad does, too. He's tough as hell, but I'm pretty sure I could kick his ass right now with these pandemic-induced muscles. Just saying.
So 2020 might be a shitshow shit-a-rama shitfest, but we're gonna come out the other end better, smarter, and stronger. We might come out kicking and screaming, but we've got this, kid. And that's some magical shit right there.
Damn. I feel better already.
I love you.
Mom
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