Dear Elli,
Your dad and I just got back from an adults only vacation in Mexico, and it was totally freaking awesome. We went with Cousin Lauren and Scott, Cousin Mark and Emily, and the most fantastic 75-year-old Irishman on the planet. His name is Don.
Mexico is a great place, with a really cool history and a gazillion things to do. I learned many things during our adults only vacation in Mexico, and I'm going to share these lessons with you tonight:
A ferry exploded at the dock in Playa del Carmen right before we arrived to catch a ferry at the dock in Playa del Carmen. Yes, you heard that right. We could've maybe been on that dock if we would've not been screwing around at the airport trying to find our transportation. That's kind of scary, but we weren't too scared. I was just wondering why the Federali's were flying helicopters over us every 5 minutes for 2 hours while we waited for our ferry after the explosion. I was also a little drunk.
Cousin Lauren still hasn't gotten over her propensity for motion sickness. Every time we got on a boat, I was convinced she was going to puke on me. But she didn't puke on me, mostly because she knew I would have a panic attack and maybe die if she did. Thank you, Lauren. I love you.
Mexican resort employees can say "It is my pleasure" 11,984 times over the course of one week, and it is adorable every single damn time. You see, Mexican resort employees are well trained in the art of customer service. American employees at Frontier Airlines are not.
Cousin Mark has great taste in women, because Emily is a down ass chick who has more heart than nearly anyone on the planet. She's kind and hilarious and smart and super fun and quite literally lights up the whole room with her smile. And she's almost always smiling, which makes me feel really lucky to be her friend. She can also drink me under the table.
Cousin Mark isn't too bad himself. I mostly think of him as the oldest of all the cousins, and he used to kind of scare me when I was a kid and he was a teenager. He was always the big badass of all us cousins and, to prove my point, he even stole his mom's van to go to Woodstock back in 94'. Coolest guy ever, right? Well now he's also a fantastic human being who loves his family dearly. And he does a mean Spanish accent that nearly made me wet my pants on numerous occasions. He can also drink me under the table.
It hurts when jellyfish sting you. It's like a combination of bee stings and an electric shock. And it makes you not want to jump back into the ocean afterward. Beer, loud rap music, and dancing on the boat make jellyfish stings stop hurting.
Cousin Lauren has fantastic taste in men, because Scott is cool as hell. He's the nicest attorney I've ever met, and I've managed to meet lots of them. He's thoughtful, kind, and has the most hilarious dead pan delivery of humerous comments. He's really fun to hang with, and he makes you feel like a more intelligent human being for having made his aquaintance. He's good people, and he can probably drink me under the table.
Cousin Lauren is, as always, one of my favorite human beings in the history of all humanity. She cares about everyone and everything with more passion than I can describe in words. She's been my ride or die since she was 1 year old and I was born, and I love her like my sister. She turned 37 in Mexico, and I hope she had the best birthday ever. I don't think she can drink me under the table, though.
Mayan ruins are not all created equal. We showed up at the ruins on Cozumel depicted on our map. It was a pile of rocks the size of the snow forts I made in the back yard when I was a kid. It was surrounded by aggressive shop owners who summoned us by blowing conch shells and telling us they probably wouldn't eat dinner that evening if we didn't patronize their establishments. It was actually good fun, and I bought a super cool bottle opener so the aggressive lady could have her dinner. With the money I paid her for that damn bottle opener, she'll probably have dinner secured for two weeks.
"Papa" Don is 75 years old, and chose to go on vacation with a group of people who average approximately 35 years younger than him. How freaking awesome is that!?!? He was born in Ireland, lived in London throughout the 70's, and came to the US with the love of his life in 1980. He lost his wife several years ago, but as he says it, "I got through the sad times, and now I have the most lovely memories. I have so much to be thankful for. And I haven't had such fun in years!" I'm a better human being for having made a friend in Don. He can most definitely drink me under the table.
Resort vacation club salespeople are the devil. They spew bullshit better than American used car salesmen. Cousin Mark didn't appreciate the salespeople. So we almost had an old fashioned family duel with a few of them in the sweat chamber that is "The 90 Minute Presentation". You should never attend "The 90 Minute Presentation", even if they offer you two Jeeps for the day and $150 each in resort credit.
Your daddy is still pretty cool. I've been shacking up with him for 18 years now, with plenty of both good and bad times in between. We're still hanging tough, and I'm proud of that. He's still pretty damn handsome. And he can make me laugh. But he still can't drink me under the table.
It is 85 degrees in Cozumel nearly every day in February, and the sun is hot. When standing in the pool all day with a drink in your hand, the sun reflects off the water and directly onto your hands. Then you get sun poisoning on your hands. Sun poisoning itches. More beer makes it stop itching.
If I ever won the lottery or otherwise became somehow independently wealthy, I would likely become a complete drunken degenerate living somewhere in Mexico. I'm serious. Over the course of our week in Mexico, it became increasingly difficult to picture myself as a productive human being. It was awesome.
Overall, I think our Mexican vacation rates among the very best vacations of my entire life so far. Mexico was great, but the people made it amazing. Great people make everything amazing. Remember that shit. It's important.
I love you.
Mom
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