Dear Elli,
Middle school sucks. You're mean. All of you are mean. Awkward. Weird. Middle school kids.
You and I talk. Thank God. And I can even still make you laugh really hard every now and then. When you're not locked in your room scowling at the sound of my voice, that is. And every now and then I actually manage to say something that makes you realize that I do, in fact, remember what it feels like to be a girl in middle school.
Sometimes I do forget, though. I admit it. And in those moments, I think you're the most ridiculous little thing on the planet and I kind of want to put you in a choke hold. But on my good days, I can put myself in your shoes and I remember. Being a middle school kid is hard. These are hard years. Maybe the hardest in all of childhood.
Yesterday, we were driving to the store. You had your "I'm totally not impressed" look going on. Miffed at the fact that I rousted you from your bedroom and forced you to come with me. Oh well, such is life. And, according to you, my life is currently centered around irritating the shit out of you at every possible opportunity.
So we were driving, and I suddenly had a big mom idea. I turned to you and said, "Being your age is really freaking hard. It's not just you, you know. It's every middle school kid in history. There are zero exceptions. It sucks for everyone. I remember. Let me tell you what I remember."
"I remember feeling self-conscious. A lot. I remember wanting to fit in, but also being convinced that I never would. I remember kids being mean to me, and me being mean to kids. We were crazy viscious to each other sometimes, and none of us really had any idea why. There was literally no valid reason for it, and I think we all knew it. But we did it anyway. I remember feeling like some demon force was invading my body and changing everything. And those changes were mostly unwelcome, although somewhat impressive on a level I chose not to acknowledge at the time. I looked weird to myself in the mirror. Half kid and half adult. And every change that happened (and OMG they were all happening at the same freaking time) was either physically painful or totally disgusting. Or both."
You broke out of your "I'm totally not impressed" look for a minute. And you said, "YES! That's exactly it!"
So I shot my very best mom shot. I said, "I know it will be almost impossible, but please try to remember that everyone feels this way. They won't admit it right now, but they do. Not just girls, but boys too. They have their own set of mortifying issues to deal with, and I'm sure it's no walk in the park for them either. But all of you will make it through these years. Then you won't feel so weird ever again. I promise."
And you said, "I think it makes people feel better to be mean. Because they feel self-conscious. And it feels better for a minute to make someone else feel like that, too."
"Exactly. I know people are mean to you. And I also know you are mean to other people. I'm not blind or stupid, and I know you can be a total jerk. It's normal, unfortunately. Part of growing up. But that doesn't make it right and it doesn't give you a free pass to be an asshole. You're better than that. And as satisfying as it feels to be mean sometimes, it feels way better to make someone smile. You'll never regret making somebody smile. I promise you that's true."
"I know, Mom."
Then you picked up your phone and plastered the "I'm totally not impressed" look back on your face. And our conversation was over. For now.
Middle school is hard. You've got a couple more years before you come out the other side of this particular developmental phase. You'll get through it. And believe it or not, you'll have plenty of great memories to go along with the awkward stuff.
And here's the best part! Someday in the not too distant future, even the awkward stuff will be funny to you. I promise. You're my kid, after all. And it is genetically impossible for any offspring of mine to not find life to be ridiculously funny.
I love you.
Mom
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