Dear Elli,
It's been awhile. I've been busy okay? Don't judge me. Your schedule is more dynamic than Kim K's, and I'm just trying to keep up.
So it's been over a year since my last letter. I'm an asshole. I promised you I'd keep up with this, and I totally lied. I also promised I wouldn't eat your Peanut M&Ms. Lied again.
So I'm coming to you tonight with middle school stuff. Hard to believe I started writing these letters seven years ago. I used to write them sitting on the toilet seat while monitoring you playing in the bathtub. Now I'm writing from the couch while you're in the shower because you "need your privacy". I'm also eating your Peanut M&Ms right now. I deserve them. You stress me out.
We went shopping for school clothes last weekend with your friend and her mom. It was totally awesome. And thank God we went with them, because this awesome mom is on top of her game. Not me - I mean your friend's mom. I am not at all on top of my game. She notified me of a very important aspect of middle school that I had entirely overlooked. There is a dress code. Not like a "don't wear shorts in February, you moron" kind of dress code. This is a "you are no longer allowed to wear stretch pants unless your entire butt is covered by a dress or old lady sweater" kind of dress code.
I had no idea! I thought ten year olds were the same as nine year olds, and I could buy 10 pairs of stretch pants and 10 shirts and call it a successful shopping trip. Because you have adamantly refused to wear jeans for literally your entire life. What the hell am I going to do now?
Thank our Lord in Heaven we found some jeans that you'll wear without whining like a toddler. Thank you from the bottom of my exhausted heart.
So we were home for a day, and you asked me: "Mom, why is almost our entire dress code about girl's clothes? Why don't boys have to worry about what they wear?"
And in my mind, I thought, "Because girls tend to dress like strippers far more often than boys, and the school doesn't like strippers."
I did not answer that way. I might be a bit deviant from time to time, but I did actually bite my tongue before I spoke those words. You're ten. In this wholesome midwestern USA community of ours, ten year old girls play with Barbies and laugh at fart jokes. They think sex is disgusting (if they even know the full details), and boobs are hilarious but something to look forward to.
So I thought about an appropriate response to that question of yours. I thought and I thought and I thought. And I've got nothing, kid. I don't know.
I've been thinking about this shit for two days now. Two. Freaking. Days. Still got nothing even remotely good for you. I even asked your father. He's no help, either.
There is not a single answer I can give to my ten year old daughter that does not somehow sexualize my ten year old daughter, or that is not entirely dumb.
I mean come on. Take my hand. Let's go through some examples:
1. You can't wear stretch pants because they are inappropriate.
Why is it inappropriate to wear stretch pants, Mom?
Because I can see that you, ten year old girl, have a butt. We all know that you have a butt. It was okay to be the proud owner of a butt when you were nine, but now we have to start hiding it. It is no longer appropriate to have a butt.
Not gonna work, guys. This is totally bizarre.
2. Stretch pants are a distraction from learning.
Why, Mom?
Because people might look at your butt instead of learning division problems in math class. Even though you're sitting on your butt in math class so not sure how that is even possible. Never mind the fact that you are TEN YEARS OLD.
Not gonna work, guys. This doesn't even make sense. And it's creepy as hell.
3. School is an environment similar to work. You need to learn to dress appropriately in different environments. We don't wear stretch pants to work.
Mom, didn't you just buy fancy business lady yoga stretch pants for work? With fake pockets and everything? And didn't you just wear them to a meeting yesterday?
Guilty as charged. Not gonna work, guys. Literally everyone wears stretch pants.
4. Some people are trashy. They think it's cool for a ten year old girl to look like a stripper. They don't wear stretch pants. They wear pleather stripper pants to school instead and call them stretch pants. The parents of those kids ruined it for you. Now you cannot wear tasteful stretch pants. You must wear a potato sack instead because of those trashy social deviants who can't get their shit together.
Why do I get penalized because other people suck, Mom?
Because life is unfair and idiots ruin everything.
Ding Ding Ding! This is our best answer. Another mom friend gave me this one (I added the pleather stripper pants part, though, because I thought it sounded more colorful). I don't love this answer entirely, though. Because it's part of the answer, but not the whole answer.
But honestly, guys. Why can't my kid wear stretch pants to school?
I think the answer here lies in two very different ends of the thought spectrum, both of which suck.
1. Those ridiculously trashy ultra-liberal social deviants who think it's cool to dress a ten year old girl like a stripper. They quite literally sexualize their own children. Those morons really do ruin everything.
2. Those ridiculously out of touch ultra-conservatives who've been around for thousands of years and have written school dress codes since 1952. They think girls should wear potato sacks in order to hide any physical evidence of female body parts. They also quite literally sexualize their own children, only they do it with shame instead. Opposite approach, same result. Those morons ruin everything, too.
Imagine that. Two extreme groups of idiots, on two opposite ends of a given spectrum, both ruining everything for everyone. Sounds a lot like American politics. I'm totally shocked. (Insert dramatic eye roll here)
So here's what we're going to do:
You're going to follow the dress code to the best of your ability. I don't have the time or the energy to fight with school officials about why a ten year old girl can't wear stretch pants. I'm too busy trying to feed and clothe you in appropriate attire.
It's no surprise to me that parts of your dress code are stupid. Lots of things are stupid. But we've got to pick our battles, kid, and I'm not dying on this hill.
I love you. And I love that you found jeans that you will wear without whining like a toddler. Welcome to middle school. (Insert another dramatic eye roll here)
Mom
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