Dear Elli,
Everyone is in an uproar! The sky is falling! Because Miley Cyrus fornicated with a foam finger and ground her booty into the pelvis of Robin Thicke at the VMA's last week. I'm serious. That's really why.
I am confused, though. I saw it. I went straight to YouTube and watched that nasty girl the next morning, expecting to see the equivalent of a hard core porn movie. I was disappointed. It was soft core at best. I'm glad I didn't stay up past my bedtime to watch the actual show. I'm way too old for such lack of excitement.
After all, I came of age during a time when Britney Spears was sloppily tongue kissed by Madonna on stage. And Lil' Kim wore a dress with no fabric over one boob and only a purple pastey to reflect her modesty. And I could be wrong, but I'm almost certain that Diana Ross fondled that pastey-clad boob of hers on national television. In 1999.
And then there was the Super Bowl wardrobe malfunction of Janet Jackson. And I'm pretty sure Madonna made love to herself on stage at a concert or two in the 80's and 90's.
My point is really that this crap is nothing new. Especially at the VMA's. Every year the newest hot little number tries to trump the previous one. And Miley Cyrus' attempt was not that successful. It was actually kind of lame.
And I get that America is pissed about such naughty behavior on national television. And kids shouldn't be subjected to it. So that's why we weren't in the living room with a bowl of popcorn watching it together. Because it's not family programming. It's the VMA's.
You see, Little Elli, these people need attention. Lots of attention. That's how they earn their living. And sex sells. It's a sure bet. Every time.
That doesn't make it right. I get that, too. And I surely don't want you thinking it is appropriate to fornicate with a foam finger in public. It's not. It's weird. And people will think there's something wrong with you. Because real life is not the VMA's.
And this twerking business. I'm not sure what to say about it. Besides that you have a booty similar to mine. It's almost nonexistent. And you can't twerk without booty. I tried once in the mirror. Not pretty. Sorry.
But the whole booty to pelvis grind? Patrick Swayze invented that in the 80's. It's called Dirty Dancing. One of the most beloved movies in recent American history. I fully condone dirty dancing. It's fun. And I've done it my entire adolescent and adult life. With and without your father. Mostly without, because he doesn't like to dance. So I've relied on various friends for my dirty dancing, both male and female. Because it's fun. And harmless.
So please don't get all excited about the VMA's next year. Because you're not watching it. But I might. And I will only get excited if I see something truly cool. Maybe if they bring Tupac and Biggie back to life to rap onstage together. Shit. They already did that. Guess I won't be getting excited over the VMA's.
I love you. Even though you will never have the ability to twerk. Because you have a pancake booty.
Mom
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