Dearest Little Elli,
Today I am going to confess to you some of my "sins" over the past 3.5 years. I'm sure I will feel immense relief, although you may not.
1. It does not take me 15 minutes to go to the bathroom. I'm really hiding from you.
2. I've been stealing candy from you for years.
3. You know that little girl at school who you don't like but I tell you to be nice to? I don't like her either. She's annoying. You still have to be nice, though.
4. That Barbie storybook you make me read to you every single night? I hate the book and I hate Barbie. I'd get more enjoyment out of removing my toenails.
5. When you were a baby, you once cried for an entire day for no apparent reason. That day, I checked the price of a one way ticket to Bermuda and contemplated dropping you off at the fire station.
6. You received a "yellow light" at school last week for running in the hallway and not staying in sight of your teacher. I think this is hilarious, and I saved the teacher's report in your baby book.
7. When you repeat a curse word and use it in perfect context, I am usually trying really hard not to laugh and I am almost always impressed with your understanding of the English language.
8. When you have a full blown temper tantrum, I usually want to beat you. Badly.
9. Your propensity to grab my boobs in public places really freaks me out. It makes me feel like a cheap hooker, and it also makes me want to deduct money from your college fund for my services. Keep it up and I might do it. I don't work for free.
10. I love staying home with you all weekend and doing fun things. I also love going to work. At work, I feel competent and confident. I need this because as a parent, I often have no idea whether I'm doing it right.
Well, there you have it! I do feel much better, although you may need years of therapy to undo the damage. That's OK. We all need something to do in our spare time!
Love,
Your Mama
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