Dear Elli,
It's been almost a year since I last wrote you, and that's dumb. I apologize. I could say I've been busy and that's true, but it's also dumb. I cannot count the number of times my mind has wandered along some topic or another over the last year and I've thought to myself, "I need to write Elli about this." But I didn't do it. That was dumb.
I'm sitting here on the couch with my coffee this morning, quietly thinking my thoughts. And it's insane to me that this is already my 14th Mother's Day. When you were little, people used to tell me all the time that I will blink my eyes one day and you'll be a teenager. I thought they were full of shit. Turns out, they were right.
We had a party at the house yesterday to celebrate all the moms in our family. You know by now that hosting big family gatherings is my favorite thing in the world. There's no better feeling for me than to be surrounded by my people in celebration of literally anything. It brings me peace, and it feeds my soul.
There are moments in life when things get hectic. Pressure comes from a million different directions at once and it's easy to feel ungrateful, or even resentful.
I have those moments, and you've witnessed them firsthand plenty of times. They are typically just a petty response to my own shortsightedness. I detest pettiness AND shortsightedness, mostly because they're both a sure sign of being an idiot. So when I have those moments, I'm not proud of myself.
But as I looked around yesterday at everyone eating and drinking and talking and laughing, I felt grateful. Grateful for everyone and everything. I love that feeling. It's my absolute favorite feeling to feel.
I've had more of those petty, shortsighted moments than I care to admit over the past year. And it occurred to me recently that I'm an idiot. I get so wrapped up in temporary stresses sometimes that I forget the big picture. And the big picture is really the only picture that matters.
I was driving a few months ago, stomach tied in knots and blood pressure building over several things that needed my attention all at once. Feeling resentful as hell because life shouldn't be so freaking stressful all the time, right?
And I actually started laughing at myself.
I had this memory pop into my head of myself at your age. Sitting in my bedroom dreaming of my future and the things I wanted so badly to accomplish when I grew up.
And it occurred to me while driving, all stressed out over some dumb shit, that I am quite literally living those dreams. All of them. I've accomplished every single one of those things I was so determined to do as a teenager sitting in my bedroom, planning my amazing future life.
I will admit that reality isn't always exactly as we anticipate. We always leave out the hard parts when we're dreaming. But nonetheless, I'm exactly where I dreamed of being.
I have an amazing family. I have amazing friends. I have an amazing career. I love life, and I've learned to appreciate both the joy and the pain that comes with it. Lord knows there's plenty of both.
And of all the things I ever hoped to achieve, you are by far my greatest achievement. I didn't know that would be the case when I was your age sitting in my bedroom dreaming. Back then, I thought having enough money to buy a Rolex would be the pinnacle of my life's achievement. In my teenage mind, a kid was more of a cute accessory to my future life. I'm not joking. I definitely thought that. Thank God I grew up. Some people don't.
My ultimate message to you today is one of thanks, and also perspective. You, kid, have surpassed my wildest dreams. I'm so grateful for everything life has taught me, and brought me. But above all else, I'm grateful to be your mom.
I love you.
Mom
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