Dear Elli,
I'm a freaking psycho. You know this already because we live in the same house. Your daddy knows, too. But he chose me, so I don't really feel that sorry for him.
But most people don't know. They actually think I have my shit together. In addition to being a psycho, I'm also a great actress. I obviously chose the wrong career.
Seriously, though. I'm bat shit crazy sometimes. My friend at work told me today that my neurotic behavior is a result of being a working mom. A career woman. Having it all, Baby! I thought about that. And I think she's right.
So here's an example. I'm leaving town tomorrow. Which means I promptly convinced myself today that something awful will happen that will either inhibit me from leaving, or at the very least cause my trip to go terribly wrong.
One of my Facebook friends has a daughter who woke up with a virus this morning. THAT'S IT! That's what is going to happen! You will catch it. Probably tonight. And then I will leave. And you will be sick. I will feel like a terrible mother. Then I will catch it. And probably give it to my chronically ill father in Florida, who I am going to visit. And this virus will surely kill him. And it will be all my fault. (I just made up the part about giving this fabricated virus to my dad. It seemed like a horrible ironic twist to my already ridiculous thought pattern.)
Sweet Baby Jesus! You live with a bat shit crazy murderer of your own grandfather via transmission of a virus that somebody across town contracted. All because I'm a little stressed about leaving and my Facebook friend's daughter has a virus. And you haven't been anywhere near her. In fact, you've never even met her.
I told you I'm a freaking psycho. But, I promise you, I am a great actress. While I'm at my desk analyzing financial statements and charmingly bantering on the phone with my colleagues, they have no idea that I've just mentally made both you and I ill with a virus and systematically murdered my own father by giving it to him. That, my dear child, is my secret. Because I'm sane enough to know that's crazy as hell.
But I think other moms have neurotic tendencies as well. Or maybe that's just wishful thinking. I think my friend has a point about this working mom business, though. She's pretty smart. And she knows. Because she successfully raised a child while both working and being neurotic.
It's a very precarious balancing act. Trying to do everything perfectly well. Always being where you are supposed to be and never letting anyone down. During those times when you NEED things to go well. With no surprises. Like travel. Or special events that need to be attended. Or a big meeting. For the love of God in Heaven, don't let anything bad happen on those days! Which seem to be about half of the days of my life.
But I have it all, Baby! And even though I'm bat shit crazy sometimes, I do love it. Most days. And I wouldn't change it for the world. Because I'm pretty lucky to have it all. I think I probably just need to stop worrying about ridiculous things that haven't happened and just feel lucky instead.
Because I'm going to Florida tomorrow. To see my dad. And to go kayaking. And to drink overpriced drinks at a bar overlooking the beach while I laugh about the absurdities of life with my oldest friend, my cousin. I'm one lucky freaking psycho.
And even though I create awful scenarios in my head every time I have to do something that requires being absent from you, I like to do stuff without you sometimes. But at the end of the day it stresses me the hell out to leave you. Hence, the awful scenarios that would keep me home. Who needs a psychologist? Not me!
....maybe me.
Probably me.
I love you.
Your Neurotic Mother
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