Dear Elli,
We are now six months into this global pandemic shitshow we've got going on right now. Today was one of my foul tempered days. I've found that I get really super duper hateful about once a month over our current state of affairs, which totally sucks. I'm not a mean-spirited person. I like to be happy and have tons of fun, and I also like other people to be happy and have tons of fun. So this pissed-off state of mind just isn't how I prefer to spend my time. I hate it.
I decided about ten minutes ago that I should write more honestly during this period of time. This is gonna go down in history, so I may as well be honest with you about what it's like to actually live through this absurdity. I've written about my thoughts a couple times, but I've largely left out the raw feeling behind those thoughts.
The whole point of starting these letters eight years ago was to share my perspective of life as you grow into an adult. To allow you to view this experience of growing up through my eyes in addition to your own. So it wouldn't be fair if I didn't tell you that this has been my own version of hell on earth. I'm giving you a piece of my soul, kid. Like it or not, it's all yours.
Now it's no epiphany to anyone that I'm a bit of a free spirit. And I value my independence more than anything else in this world. That's a nice way of saying, "I do whatever the hell I choose. When I choose. And how I choose." That's how I've always lived my life, and that's what makes me happy. I've never been apologetic about it, and I never will be. I control my life. Nobody else has the right to, nor the responsibility for, my life. It's all mine, baby. That's my philosophy about the way life should be lived in a nutshell.
Sure, I pay taxes and slow down when I see a cop and try not to curse in front of other people's children. I'm not insane. Or an asshole. I simply have no respect for the idea of being told I can't do something. Or that I must do something else. And I have even less than no respect for the idea that I am morally obligated to either do or refrain from doing a single solitary thing. It's like a negative number level of respect for that shit. It's obscene to me. Another person's moral compass is none of my business. And my moral compass is none of theirs.
So I was texting with a guy I work with yesterday about our current state of affairs, and he used the word "weaponized" to describe the manner in which politicians and the media and people in general are using this pandemic. He's a smart guy. And that's the perfect word. We are weilding COVID-19 as a weapon to assault one another. Politically, socially, economically, and probably ten other ways I can't think of right now because I'm drinking Miller Lite.
It's disturbing enough that we've weaponized COVID-19 in an attempt to assault each other in numerous creative ways, and we absolutely have. But the real kicker is that the COVID-19 weapon isn't being weilded in order to actually solve the COVID-19 problem in way too many cases. It's being used to question the personal morality of anyone who has an opinion about it, and ultimately destroy their character. Talk about a low blow, huh? It's disgusting. Gross. Obscene. Unproductive. And incredibly unfair.
And everybody is standing on one soapbox or another, attempting to shame one another into doing or thinking like them. Because now it's a matter of personal morality. And anyone who doesn't agree with whatever specific topic is being discussed is deemed morally bankrupt.
I'm a terrible person if I don't wear a mask. I'm a terrible person if I do wear a mask. I'm terrible whether or not I want this theoretical vaccine that may or may not be available at the end of the year or maybe the middle of next year. Terrible whether or not I'm worried about getting sick. Terrible whether or not I send you back to school. Terrible whether I vote for Trump or Biden. I'm a terrible person if I want my old life back. And I'm a terrible person if I don't want my old life back. I'm a morally bankrupt human being by somebody's standards no matter what I do.
Oh God. Just shut the hell up. I've never been so irritated in my life.
And everybody is morally outraged and personally offended. I'm almost never offended under normal circumstances. But I'm offended now. I'm offended by all the offended people. Offended people offend the shit out of me.
Living through this period of time feels like wearing a set of handcuffs. Every day. All day. The morally outraged have all of us, including themselves, handcuffed and bent over the hood of the cruiser. We can't move. We can't speak without somehow incriminating ourselves. We can't even begin to stand up and perform the work we need to do to fix the problems we've created by being so damn morally outraged by each other. Because if we think or say or do anything, we're morally bankrupt. And nobody wants to be morally bankrupt. So we're all just bent over the hood of the cruiser, handcuffed, watching the shitshow. It's a feeling of helplessness I've never experienced before.
And now we even have the audacity to be offended by the consequences of being so offended in the first place. I can't make this shit up. It happens every day. The absurdity is astounding. It's obscene.
I'm tired of being lectured by politicians and the media and random dimwits about what I should do and how I should think. I'm tired of not being able to live my life according to my own standards. I'm tired of the offended, and I'm tired of the condescending moral outrage.
COVID-19 is not a weapon to be used against each other politically, socially, economically, or any other way. It's a virus. And how we respond to it as a nation is not at all a matter of personal morality. It's an issue of practicality.
Give me a damn break.
I might be offended today, but I still love you.
Mom
Comments