Dear Elli,
Kids are a pain in the ass. And I mean that in the most loving of ways.
I love you. You know that. And I know that. I can't even breathe when I contemplate just how much you mean to me. Nonetheless, you are still a pain in the ass.
You're sick right now. You have a really bad cold. I know that because I took you to the doctor after listening to you bark like a seal for the past 12 hours.
The pertussis outbreak caused by the fruit loops of America who won't vaccinate their kids had me thinking you were going to die any minute of whooping cough. So I blew a nice wad of cash at the doctor's office on a bad cold. If I wasn't a paranoid schizophrenic mother, I would have given you a cough drop and a tissue and told you to "suck it up, Buttercup". But I am, in fact, a parent. And kids are a pain in the ass.
At the pharmacy, you wanted a "reward" for being good for the doctor. But you really weren't that good. You insisted on speaking to her in baby talk the entire time, which makes me feel homicidal. Why do you feel the need to talk like a baby when your actual vocabulary is ridiculously impressive? If you were a dumb kid, I could understand. And maybe even sympathize. But you're not. You're smart. The doctor, however, thinks you are an idiot. Thanks a lot. Kids are a total pain in the ass.
So I got you a "reward" anyway. Mostly because you're cute and I'm a total sucker. You picked a giant "Congrats Grad!" balloon. Because you "just graduated from Pre-K". Really? You are not a real graduate. Because, although I am certainly proud of you, the very concept of Pre-K graduation is absurd. Even though I attended your Pre-K graduation, posted the picture on Facebook, and I may even have felt slightly emotional during the ceremony. What a pain in the ass.
Your father is outside rebuilding the sides of the deck. He just interrupted my blog session because he needed me to "see if I noticed any imperfections" in his work. So I told him the spindle things were not all the same length and some of his 45° cuts were off a bit. He responded by telling me that I "didn't need to pick apart his work". After he specifically asked me to pick apart his work. According to him, I am behaving like a "little dick" today. Good Lord! Kids (aka husbands) are a pain in the ass.
The reason I'm telling you all of this today is to give you fair warning. Kids (and husbands) are a complete pain in the ass. They are. I'm not being mean. I'm being honest. When you contemplate having kids someday, remember that and prepare yourself. Because you will love your kid(s) more than anything in the world. But you will also find them to be utter pains in the ass on a regular basis. Don't ever say I didn't warn you.
I love you, my beautiful little pain in the ass.
Mom
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