Dear Elli,
We just finished a nearly two hour conversation about important life stuff.
You've developed this fixation recently on physical beauty. All the makeup, fashion, hair bullshit that I have very little interest in. I get it, though. I'm not ridiculous enough to think you should be just like me when it comes to that kind of stuff. I know spending five minutes on my hair and makeup puts me in the minority of adult females. And I know you're at the age where these kinds of things start to matter.
That's fine. I'm okay with you doing you. God knows I do me day after day. And my concern ultimately is not your desire for physical beauty. My concern is where that desire stands in your list of priorities, and whether or not you project that desire onto others as a form of criticism.
You watch these makeup artists on YouTube. They've got mad skills for sure. They can turn a leper into a dime piece. I applaud the artistry. But these people chatter away while they are applying makeup, talking incessant shit about everything and everybody in their bizarre little glittery industry. Petty, dramatic confrontations within the ranks of the beauty squad. It's really freaking weird.
I've noticed lately that you are tuning into the actual real world sometimes with your eyes critically focused on the physical qualities of people. Like, "She needs to fix her eyebrows, Mom. She would look so much better without bangs. That lipstick is the wrong color for her." Blah Blah Blah. I blame the YouTube beauty gods for this ridiculous line of thought. But it's not really their fault.
My first inclination was to block YouTube so you can't watch those bozos anymore and call it a day. However, that won't solve this particular problem. This problem is everywhere, not just on YouTube. There is no shortage of ridiculousness in this world. The sooner we engage in the conversation of this reality, the better.
Now before I get too far into this, I want to be clear. Everybody likes beautiful people. No harm in that. They are fun to look at. I enjoy looking at them, too. And I absolutely do care about how I look. I don't roll out of bed in my flannel jammies with my hair sticking up and drive to Walmart. Some people do. I am not some people. I'm not a puritanical frump of a woman over here, okay? I like to be pretty sometimes, too.
Now let's get down to business. You made a comment awhile back. I met your teachers at school, and apparently they told you they really liked me. So you said, "Everyone always loves you, Mom. You're such a people person."
First, not everyone loves me. Some people don't even like me a little bit. But I do get along well with others for the most part. So I thought this would be a good start to our conversation today. I asked you what you think makes people like me when I meet them. Here's what you said:
You're nice
You're friendly
You're funny
You have a flashy smile (I did not make this up. You totally said "flashy".)
You're smart
You aren't afraid to talk to people
Now I might develop a bit of an ego problem, but that's beside the point. You fed right into my motherly lesson teaching hands.
"So Elli", I said, "How many of those things have anything to do with how I look?"
Elli: "Well, maybe your smile. But none of the other things."
BINGO! Like taking candy from a baby! But we're not quite done yet.
Me: "So if I were to plaster a bunch of makeup all over my face and spend 45 minutes doing God knows what to my hair, do you think people would like me more?"
Elli: "You might make more friends who care a lot about how you look."
Me: "Do you think those friends would be better than the friends I have now?"
Elli: "No."
OH MY GOD this is going so well! Like level 4,700 of the parenting game!
Me: "So what do you like about your favorite makeup artist on YouTube?"
You listed several qualities, all of which were really amazing and admirable. He has overcome huge obstacles in life, he is smart, funny, generous, resilient, unique, and mentally strong. I was impressed with your insight and I told you so. You're wise beyond your years in many ways, and that makes me proud.
But then I asked you what you dislike about him.
Silence.......
Well, there went the easy part right out the damn window...
After some pretty aggressive prodding, you grudgingly admitted that he says and does some things that you don't like. And that those behaviors are not cool.
And that was really important.
We talked for a long time after that. We talked about people. That no human being is perfect. We all have strengths and weaknesses. Good qualities and bad.
It is perfectly okay to love anyone and everyone you want to love.
It's also important to understand that you can and should objectively differentiate between the qualities of people. Loving someone, whether it's a YouTube makeup god or a friend or family member, doesn't mean you are obligated to love everything about them. You can love some things, dislike other things, and still love the human being with all your heart.
The mistake that so many of us make is to accept ALL of a person's qualities as totally awesome because we love them. Or condemn a person entirely because you don't like something they do. I'm as guilty of this as anyone from time to time. But that doesn't make it right.
And that was my second point today. You can watch your YouTube makeup gods. You can love them. And when you hear them start their petty shallow nonsense, you can also recognize that as something you don't like. You can totally avoid accepting that part of them as awesome. And you can choose to act differently.
It's really not much different than the way you love me. With all your heart, right? (fingers crossed) Even though you hate that I yell at you sometimes and don't let you eat candy for breakfast.
You're building the person you'll become now. You're not just substituting my or Dad's ideals for yours anymore. You'll be working at this masterpiece for the rest of your life if you're smart, and I know you are. You will evolve endlessly throughout your time in this world.
Some ideals and principles you will adopt now and keep forever, and some you'll try on and they just won't fit. You'll collect bits and pieces from people you admire, and if you're really smart you'll even find some from people you don't. Look everywhere. Don't be afraid to think. Don't settle. Don't become someone else. And for the love of God, don't become a YouTube makeup god. Become you.
I love you.
Mom
Comments