Dear Elli,
I woke up this morning with the urge to write. I have about a million things I'd like to say, and I honestly have no idea which direction this particular letter is going. I guess we'll both be pleasantly surprised.
I've been happy lately. Like so damn happy. I've had so much freaking fun over the past several months. Work has been amazing, I've been traveling more (with and without you), and my friends and family are seriously the best people on the planet. I am beyond blessed.
I've always been a pretty happy person, mostly because it's a whole lot more fun than being a miserable asshole. But, like anybody else, I have my ups and downs. So I was trying to figure out why I'm suddenly so damn happy right now? Cause we've been through some really bad shit over the past few months, yet I'm nonetheless sitting over here with a goofy grin on my face like a pig in shit (my grandpa used to say that so don't freaking judge me).
I think I figured it out. I know why I'm happier than usual. I'm gonna tell you why in a minute, but first we're going to back up a few steps to give you some context.
So I was having a conversation with my friend Emily yesterday. She sent me an article about the importance of communication skills in business. I've got mad communication skillz on the real, yo. Everyone knows that. Shit, that's the one skill I will admit to without getting all weird and embarrassed and compulsively using self-deprecating humor to avoid accepting a compliment. (That's a topic for another day.)
But I realized something. While I've always been a good communicator, I've rarely opened myself up to people with any true vulnerability. I never exposed myself in a way that allows for the possibility of rejection or failure. At least not very often. My communication has nearly always been very carefully tailored to keep people at arms length, and to protect myself. That's held true for me over the years both professionally and personally.
Now I've never been a secretive weirdo or antisocial in any way (except when I'm hungry), but I generally only let people come so close. And then I lock up Fort Knox style. I love people. But I've never loved to be vulnerable to people.
So I stopped working so hard to protect myself and started letting a few more people in over the past several months. And that, I think, is the reason I feel extra special happy.
I didn't even realize it was happening until I read Emily's article. But it started with work, and slowly filtered down to my personal life.
When I started my new job, I had a list of brand new clients who didn't know me and didn't really give a single shit about doing business with me. I knew I had to be real with them if I was going to have any success. So instead of providing my brand new clients with a list of all my impressive qualifications or telling them all the amazing things I would do for them like a smug little asshole, I just asked them to give me a shot. One freaking shot was all I needed. I was terrified. They all said yes (except one, and I'm still working on him.)
I reconnected with a college friend (Hi, Deanna!). We went to dinner together and had the best time. Not because I smiled my Colgate smile (thanks for the braces, Mom) and discussed general topics of little interest, but rather because we had amazing conversation about the ugly life shit we've both been dealing with.
I have had many conversations with my dad about the loss of his wife recently. Emotional stuff that I typically avoid like the plague. It still freaks me out, but it's getting a little easier. And I understand my father today in a way I've never understood him. We've always been tight, but now I think we're even tighter.
I went on vacation with a group of family and friends. You know, the Mexican adventure I told you about recently? Well my oldest cousin and his lady friend (I like that term and I'm going to start using it way more often) were part of our group. I've never had a very close relationship with him because he is older and he intimidated the shit out of me when we were kids. But guess what? We spent a week getting reacquainted, and he's a fantastic human being. I love him.
And his lady friend (Her name is actually Emily, and she's the same one who sent me the article that started this whole letter writing frenzy this morning). I think we're going to be friends. Like, real friends. The kind of friend who gets beyond this Colgate smile (thanks again, Mom). I haven't added a single human being to that list for a very long time, and I'm super excited about it! (Shout out here to my ride or die soldiers who been down forever. You know who you are. Much love.)
You see, when I read Emily's article about the importance of communication, it dawned on me. Communicating with people has always made me happy, and it's played a big part in every success I've ever had. But it shouldn't always be superficial.
Now I'm not suggesting you go pour your heart out to some dude hanging on the corner. That would be weird. But I am saying that if you want a genuine connection with someone, you're gonna have to open yourself to it. And it might hurt. But it's also worth it. It took me thirty six damn years to figure that out. I'm a real freaking rocket scientist.
I love you,
Mom (The Rocket Scientist)
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