Dear Elli,
I just finished our income taxes for 2015. This is always an occasion that I would prefer to reserve for day drinking. That's not possible today, though, because I still have to go to the grocery store. And I do have a very small shred of dignity left.
I'm a Democrat, which according to many, means I love paying taxes and I hate working for a living. Both of those things are false. I must be a terrible Democrat.
Anyway, I really do hesitate to bitch about my tax bill because I know we're super fortunate. I know how easy we have it nowadays. And I know it is our responsibility to pay our share.
But the staggering sums that come out of our checks aren't enough? We still owe more?!? Come on! Give me a freaking break!
According to the IRS, our household is in the top 5% of wage earners in the nation. I'm serious. That has got to be both the most hilarious and profoundly sad thing I've learned all day. I don't have a maid, butler, personal chef, or even a freaking boob job! This is a damn tragedy! I shop at Save-A-Lot, for crying out loud!
This can only mean two things. First, most of the 4% of wage earning households above us probably aren't all that filthy rich either. And second, there are a hell of a lot of households that struggle like hell. (I already knew that part because I'm a Democrat and my people love to dwell upon suffering and guilt.)
Wage earning is a little different than overall earning, you see. The uber rich don't earn wages so much. They usually make most of their mega dough from capital gains on investments. And those bastards pay a hell of a lot less than we do from a tax standpoint. Ask Warren Buffet. He'll tell you he's a lucky son of a bitch.
Lots of people get their panties in a bunch because the bottom 50% of wage earners don't pay much income tax at all. Well guess what? Those people don't have any freaking money. They need every dollar they have to keep the rent paid and the lights on. I'm serious. I grew up in that tax bracket, and as my mom used to say, "If you want money from me, stand in line, buddy".
The top 5% pay approximately 59% of the total income tax for the whole freaking country. Because we are in pretty good shape and we can shoulder that load. I get it. I can write this god-forsaken check to the IRS without skipping a meal. We're the lucky ones.
So I'll write the damn check. But it still makes me want to day drink.
And I do think Warren Buffet and friends should help a sister out a little. Perhaps he could get me that boob job.
I love you.
Mom aka "5 Percent" (This is SO going to be my new hip hop nickname)
Comments