Dear Elli,
Today you and I went to Chipotle for lunch. The line was really long, so we were well acquainted with the teenagers behind us by the time we got our food. They were two friends. A boy and a girl. Probably early college age. I'd peg them around 19.
Now I'm not really all that old. I remember 19 pretty clearly. I think. It was only 12 years ago. But I don't remember being a total idiot.
Their conversation revolved around the following topics:
1. Applebees is a very stressful place to work. She works there. So she knows. And she is "like totally worth more than $8 per hour". And they won't let her be a server because all they hire are "obese, socially awkward" women with kids who have serving experience. The nerve! (I'm certain she was referring to 30 year olds who weigh more than 125 lbs.)
2. He works somewhere and is forced to interact with some lame old man who is married and has a kid. (Probably another 30-something). He feels "constrained" because he really should be "stretching his social muscles". (I'm not shitting you. That's what he said.)
3. He is not really dating "Charity", and probably won't be pursuing her anymore. He had a serious talk with her the other night about how many "selfies" she posts online. He is shaking his head in a display of sorrow and regret as he relays this news. She is just too "materialistic" because social media should portray you as "who you want to be and not who you are". (I realize that doesn't make any logical sense and borders on pathological. But the girl nodded her head in agreement as if they had just solved world hunger).
4. Anime is great. And very important. And some female anime character "is a real looker" according to him. She agrees. (Does anyone not find it creepy that this boy finds a cartoon character sexually attractive?)
So that was our experience in line at Chipotle today. And I am wracking my brain trying to remember what I was like at 19. Desperately trying to reassure myself that I was not a moron. And even more desperately trying to reassure myself that you won't be a 19 year old moron. Please don't be a moron.
Because Applebees is not stressful. Unless you have real bills to pay (more than a cell phone and car insurance) and kids to feed on $8 per hour. Only then would it be stressful.
And saying, "stretching my social muscles", should be outlawed. I'm not sure I've heard a more douchebag statement in my life.
Social media should be used to portray who you are. Not who you wish you are. He had it a little backward. If I portrayed myself based upon my wildest dreams, I'd be posting photo shopped pictures of myself in a bikini, sunning myself next to Jay-Z, on a yacht, while you frolic with Blue Ivy in the pool. And on my other side would be Warren Buffet, seeking my counsel on his next business venture. All while Justin Timberlake rubs suntan lotion on my back and your father serves me a margarita. On his knees. In a glass made of platinum. Now that would be one hell of a "selfie"!
And finally, cartoon characters are not sexy. That is weird. And it freaks me out. Justin Timberlake is sexy. Spongebob is not. End of story. Weirdos.
I'm finished now. And I'm praying. That you will have some level of common sense at 19. Because if you don't, I'm leaving town. On a yacht. With Jay-Z. And I will be back when you're 25. Maybe.
I love you.
Mom
Comments