Dear Elli,
I was looking through my Facebook memories tonight, and realized that today it has been exactly one year since a friend from high school passed away. His name was Johnny. His name is Johnny. He will always be Johnny.
He was a really amazing friend.
Our freshman year, he nicknamed me "Rocky" because I was involved in a moderately entertaining fist fight with a junior girl who wouldn't stop picking on me. She never bothered me again after that, just in case you were wondering whether beating up a bully is actually effective. It totally is.
We had a couple classes together over the years, but the greatest of them all was study hall senior year. I did zero studying in study hall senior year. Johnny and I just hung out, talking and laughing. And after school, sometimes we would ride around in my car or hang out at my house.
He always had girl problems. The boy was a hopeless romantic, and he loved girls. Lots of them. And they loved him. Lots of them. It was highly entertaining for me. The drama was enthralling.
He smiled all the time. Like, always. He loved everything. He loved people. He LOVED girls. He loved to sing. His favorite thing to do was serenade the high school females with his rendition of "If I ever Fall in Love", by Shai. He was really good, too. He loved basketball. He loved his family. He loved to hug people. All the time, hugging people. I was never much of a touchy feely type when I was young. But Johnny always hugged me anyway, and I was cool with that. And when he was saying something that was really important to him, he always did this thing where he would reach for your hand and hold it in between his hands while he talked. Like he had to touch you in order to convey this really important thought effectively.
There was not a mean bone in the boy's body. I mean it. I have this memory from senior year. There was this arrogant asshole of a kid who I never respected then and probably never will. Johnny and I were walking into the cafeteria. This kid started jumping around like a monkey. Calling Johnny a monkey. Johnny was black, you see.
I freaked out. I started to light the kid up, and was ready to beat his arrogant punk ass myself. I was a little rowdy back then. A bit foul tempered in my youth. But Johnny stopped me. He shook it off and told me to stop. He told me it wasn't worth it. He smiled even then, but his eyes were sad. And that's the only time I ever saw him sad. He was smiling though, even then.
Johnny was a better human being than most, and he was only 18 years old back then. I learned a valuable lesson from him that day in the cafeteria. He made me a better person. He taught me that sometimes walking away is far more meaningful than engaging with stupidity.
After high school, we lost touch. He did his thing and I did mine. We grew up, but we stayed in contact through Facebook over the years.
Then he got sick. Really sick. He nearly died in 2015, but he fought hard. He lived for four more years. Long enough to have a son. And there's no doubt in my mind that he loved that little boy with all his heart. I remember when his son was born, and how proud Johnny was to be a dad. It made me smile.
All these old memories came back to me today when I realized he's been gone for a year. And then I remembered something else that is really important to me. Something that made me smile.
Back in 2015 when he was so sick, I reached out to him personally. I checked my messenger account to see if it was still there, and it is. I hesitated to contact him back then. I thought he might think I was a weirdo, reaching out after 15 years. But I did it anyway. I told him how awesome he was. I told him he was an inspiration. That I was rooting for him to get better. And I told him that his friendship all those years ago made me a better human being.
He responded with his characteristic positive attitude. There was no doubt in my mind that he was smiling as he typed his response. Same amazing Johnny, 15 years later.
He didn't get better, unfortunately. He died way too young. But here's the thing that made me smile tonight even though I'm sad. I told him. I felt awkward and a little bit psychotic reaching out back in 2015, but I told him exactly how important he was to me. I know it's selfish. I know it doesn't mean anything to anyone but me, and I'm okay with that. But he knew exactly how much his friendship meant to me. Because I told him myself. And that means the world to me.
Don't ever hesitate to tell people how important they are to you, kid. Even when it feels ridiculous. Tell them anyway. Tomorrow is never guaranteed. Tell them today. You will never regret it.
I love you. More than anything.
Mom
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