Dear Elli,
The holidays are almost over. There are only 3 more days til the new year.
This month, we hosted four large family gatherings, attended countless Christmas-themed activities, and I spent several days in Florida visiting your Grandpa Gordon. It's been a super busy holiday season. All of it spent with friends and family, near and far.
I love the holidays. They're busy and crazy, but I love em'! We get to see everyone. Mix em' all together. And watch the hilarity begin.
Our family is awesome! There are tons of them, and they're all different. We have the conservative Republican sect, the liberal Democrat sect, the sect that may or may not have been convicted of a felony at some point, the highly educated, the not so highly educated, the young and the old, the drinkers and the non-drinkers, the married and divorced, and even the perpetually engaged to be married with no current plans to actually get married sect.
When you get them all together, it's freaking hilarious! Let me give you some examples.
We had exactly three debates about Phil from "Duck Dynasty" this holiday season. The best of the three ended with my mother yelling at me. So loudly, in fact, that the people standing outside could hear her every word. It was awesome. Because she somehow turned the whole thing into a rant about magazine subscriptions. You know, she doesn't pay money for "Good Housekeeping" to have political agendas pushed in her face! Screw those "Good Housekeeping" assholes! We were all kind of confused at the end, including my mother. It was probably the Miller Lite.
My brother came home from school. He lives in Boston. And attends classes at Harvard. Which obviously means that he is highly sophisticated nowadays and the rest of us are knuckle-dragging neanderthal hillbillies. I'm not sure if he realizes that this highly sophisticated city of his is called "Bean Town" and remains one of the most blue collar-inspired cities in the entire nation. No matter. He came from "Rubber City", and went to "Bean Town". We all have to be good at something.
My Aunt acquired a disease known as "viral bronchitis". She attended our Christmas Eve gathering of nineteen family members, upon my insistence. Because there is no reason to miss out on my homemade lasagna just because of a highly contagious disease. We share everything in this family! We kept her in a chair with a box of tissues to cough into. That strategy was not successful. So far, there have been four additional casualties of this "viral bronchitis" disease. I suspect I'm next, because you coughed directly into my face approximately 17 times during the last 24 hours.
I caught up on all sorts of fun news while visiting with Grandpa Gordon in Florida this season. Because he gets all the juicy distant relative stories from around the nation. We discussed children with uncertain paternity and cases of house arrest and probation violation. This warmed my heart. And significantly boosted my self esteem.
Your Daddy's cousin came to see us from St. Louis. She's super cool, and we like her a lot. So we ordered fried chicken dinners from our most famous coronary-inducing chicken joint and had a party! I even broke out the red solo cups and poured some vino. I swear I own wine glasses. I'll bet they're in that cupboard above the fridge that requires mountain climbing abilities to access. I don't have mountain climbing abilities. But I'm certain she was impressed with us, nonetheless. Especially when you came strutting out of your bedroom without pants. Welcome to Ohio, Cousin!
Overall, the holidays were a success this year. There were no fist fights and nobody was arrested. We all had fun. Our house even resembled the aftermath of a frat party at one point. In my mind, the need to bring an outdoor trashcan into the family room in order to dispose of all the beer bottles reflects a super fun family gathering. Happy Holidays, you bunch of drunks!
And before I end this letter, I want you to know that you're lucky to share a gene pool with such a dynamic group of fun loving, politically charged, highly sophisticated brainiac semi-alcoholics, who may or may not have been convicted of a felony at some point. We all love each other. And we all love you.
Most of all, I love you.
Mom
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