Dear Elli,
We went to the orthodontist today. Several years ago, he fixed your cross bite and you finally got your retainer removed today! How exciting, right!?!
I was just chilling in the waiting room, looking at the fancy fish aquarium and minding my own business when the assistant lady called me back to the exam area. "The orthodontist wants to speak with you, Mrs. Odom." That's what the assistant lady said to me.
Okay. Great. Here we go. The orthodontist man wants more of my money. Shocker.
So he said to me, all jovial looking with a big white smile: "Elli has a really pretty smile! Her cross bite is fixed. Now we would like to schedule a consultation to discuss the benefits of braces for her!"
I tilted my head sideways a little (like a dog when it's trying to understand what the hell you are saying to it), scrunched up my forehead, and made my eyes look like I'm slightly dimwitted. It was my absolute best expression of fake genuine befuddlement.
"Braces?" I said (still totally in character as a very concerned, slightly dimwitted and befuddled suburban mom). "Her cross bite is fixed. You already fixed that. Her teeth are straight. Her smile is great. Is there something wrong with her mouth? Is there some medical benefit she would receive by having braces?"
Mr. Big White Smile is clearly not accustomed to being questioned about whether a child with nice teeth actually needs braces.
The big white smile was gone. He was no longer a jovial orthodontist man.
So (in a tone that indicated he was highly irritated by my question and would probably like to punch me in the face) he said, "There are many benefits to having braces. It is healthy for the top teeth to perfectly align with their matching teeth at the bottom. That is a medical benefit. I can explain more in a 40 minute consultation that MY front desk (it was clearly very important that I understand he owns the front desk) would be happy to schedule for you. Then you will be able to make an INFORMED (because I'm not at all informed about probably anything in life) decision about the medical benefits of braces for Elli."
Medical benefits, my ass. What do you suppose will happen if each top tooth does not align perfectly with each bottom tooth in your head? Will you have a stroke or something? Start convulsing on the floor due to imperfect tooth alignment? Sweet Lord in Heaven. I can't even...
I was actually biting the insides of my cheeks by the end of his speech because I didn't want to smile and actually get punched in the face by the not jovial anymore orthodontist.
Your teeth are absolutely perfect. I'm not joking. You have zero crooked teeth. They are beautiful. No overbite. No cross bite (we already paid the orthodontist approximately $2,000 to fix that). No jaw issues. No nothing. A perfect, beautiful smile.
I love you very much, kid. More than anything, in fact. But I'm not sinking thousands of dollars into your perfect smile because orthodontists are like the used car salesmen of teeth to all of suburban America. Screw that. That's the most ridiculous shit I've ever heard in my life.
So we went to HIS front desk to check out. I told the nice lady there that I would not be scheduling a 40 minute consultation with the used car salesman of teeth. Then we came home. And I kept our money locked up tight in the HSA account just in case you have a stroke or start convulsing on the floor because each of your top teeth are not perfectly aligned with each of your bottom teeth. Sweet Lord in Heaven. I still can't even....
We are never going to the orthodontist again. I feel like a new woman. Pure freedom, baby! I could dance through the front yard in a hippie dress with flowers in my hair I feel so freaking free right now.
I love you, and your perfect smile. And I also love the money that's still sitting in our HSA account. But I love you more than the HSA account, just in case you were wondering.
Mom
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