Dear Elli,
The world is not a fair place. There are millions of injustices that occur every minute of every day. I understand that, and I've grown accustomed over the years to accepting that reality and moving on.
But some things are just too unfair to accept easily. Some things are just too damn much.
My friend's son died yesterday. He was three years old. He drowned in a tragic accident at a family pool party on Memorial Day. Three years old.
When I saw the news this morning, it was like a physical punch to my insides. To my soul. My first instinct was to jump in my car, leave my office, pick you up, and never let you go again.
You see, when you become a mother, everything changes. I realize that's a cliché, but it is also so incredibly true. You are no longer entirely your own possession when you become a mother. The essence of your being, the very thing that makes you an independent human, is suddenly focused outward. Your child posesses a part of that essence, and it will never be yours again. I imagine becoming a father feels the same.
Your life, health, happiness, security, and safety become less important than that of your child. Inner peace and tranquility become entirely dependent upon the well being of your child. Every decision you make is weighed with your child in mind. Without even being aware of the transformation, you begin to live for someone other than yourself. You live for your child. To comfort. To protect. To provide. To cherish. There is nothing more important, and there never will be again.
I cannot put myself in my friend's shoes. I cannot imagine the horror. The tragedy of witnessing a part of yourself perish. To feel so helpless. So profoundly and agonizingly helpless.
I tried. I tried to imagine. To put myself in her shoes. It's only possible for me to catch brief glimpses of such a tragedy. To feel the punch to my insides and the flash of profound loss. To feel my heart briefly shattered into an infinite number of pieces.
But I cannot fully comprehend. Not really. My mind won't allow it.
It isn't fair. This loss is not fair. This little boy, so full of life and possibility just yesterday, did not deserve such a fate. His family did not deserve such a loss. Nobody deserved any of it. This is just too damn much.
You stopped asking me to sing your lullabies at bedtime a few weeks ago. And a few weeks ago, I thought that was a fantastic development. But tonight, I asked to sing them for you one more time. So I sang to you tonight. I don't want to miss a single opportunity. A single moment with you. With all of me.
Life is not fair, but it is a priceless gift. It is given, but it can also be taken away. In a flash. It can be taken away.
I love you more than my heart can endure tonight. God, I love you.
Mom
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