Dear Elli,
Your daddy and I had another verbal altercation this morning. About Walmart. Some of our most profanity laced battles occur over this topic. I realize that is pathetic and I don't care. I hate Walmart.
Your daddy loves Walmart. Because he is ghetto. And not nearly as smart as me regarding the evil empire that is Walmart.
And the fact that our money is co-mingled in a single checking account means that MY hard earned money also gets spent at Walmart when he shops there and is nearly enough for me to contact a divorce attorney. Nearly. He would also have to sleep with a stripper to get me to break out the yellow pages. Or vote republican. That would probably do it, too.
But seriously. Walmart is a horrible place. Have you ever checked out peopleofwalmart.com? Don't. You will both laugh hysterically and vomit in your mouth. At the same time. Not a comfortable combo.
There are lots of reasons I hate Walmart. All of which can be wrapped up in one perfect example that encompasses everything I hate about the place:
In lieu of a real uniform, they make their employees wear a disturbingly ugly vest/smock. Really, Walmart? You are really too freaking cheap to issue shirts? Of course. Because an employee only needs one vest/smock and it will last a lot longer and be much cheaper than issuing something as decent as a few polo shirts. Dirty bastards. Dirty cheap inhuman bastards with no standards that perpetuate poverty in the name of low prices. Everyday.
I hate Walmart. Did I mention that?
So your daddy is trying to buy tires for MY car from Walmart. Because they are approximately $100 cheaper there. I get it. I'm pretty cheap myself. But $100 is a fair price to pay to keep my principals intact. Because I don't have that many principals. So I should really hold onto the ones I've got.
And my tires will instead be purchased at NTB. For $100 more. Because I don't hate NTB. I win.
Before you shake your head with pity over my pathetic battle with your daddy over tires, please know that I realize Walmart probably doesn't care about me. And that's OK. The feeling is mutual. But my small victory today goes out to all the vest/smock wearing employees working 39.99999 hours per week for minimum wage and no benefits. I feel your pain. And later tonight I will pour out a little liquor for your dying American dream.
And I will keep paying for Medicaid and food stamps for a significant portion of Walmart employees. Because I care about humanity and because Walmart is too cheap to provide health insurance with any regularity. Or wages high enough to feed a family. (Wow. That almost sounded like a politically conservative statement. Don't worry. It wasn't.)
And I will also continue to actively pursue the ultimate demise of Walmart. One tire purchase at a time. And I hope the raging douchebag Walmart execs someday get eaten by their own starving, poor, uninsured, vest/smock wearing employees. Because that would be awesome.
I love you. And you will never own a single toy that was purchased at Walmart. You'll thank me someday. Maybe.
Mom
Comments