Dear Elli,
I took you to gymnastics tonight. You love gymnastics. Because you were switched at the hospital with my real kid, who loves soccer and basketball. No matter, though. You're kind of cute, so I've decided to keep you anyway.
So while you were doing somersaults with your little friends, I was chillin' in the hall with the other moms. And I had the opportunity to meet a total weirdo.
One mom made a comment about how her 7-year-old son has been acting like a little jerk lately. I chuckled. Mostly because my 4-year-old daughter also acts like a little jerk sometimes.
Insert weirdo mom.
She didn't chuckle. She was serious. Like massive heart attack serious. You see, her son is 16. And he's a jerk, too. But her son is a jerk because he's "gifted", and the world just moves too slowly for his "gifted" mind.
Maybe this other mom's 7-year-old is also gifted?
"Does he understand square roots? Complex math equations? No? He's just a regular 7-year-old? Oh..."
"And, Mrs. Mom of the 7-year-old, you work outside the home? Oh my. He's probably angry. Children whose mothers work outside the home are often angry. Children whose mothers are home when they get home from school are not angry. Except mine. But that's only because he's "gifted"."
The totally normal mom of the 7-year-old was really uncomfortable. So I chuckled again. Because weirdo mom was really on a roll. It was really getting good!
Now we all should pray for this ill adjusted 7-year-old boy. He's probably really screwed up. And we can all only guess why. Because his smart mouth and independent attitude are truly indicators of future problems. And we need to get control of him RIGHT NOW! Before it's too late!
I try really hard to be a nice person. And I'm also really afraid of weirdos. So I didn't say anything. I read my email instead. Because I saw no reason to be mean. Or to make a target out of myself for the weirdo. She was already eyeballing my work badge, which I forgot to remove before gymnastics. Shit.
But here's what I was thinking, in chronological order:
1. You're a freaking weirdo.
2. Your 16-year-old is probably a jerk because you're a weirdo. Or because he's 16. Or because he's really tired of you telling complete strangers how "gifted" he is. Because you're a weirdo.
3. Children aren't angry because their parents work. They're angry because everyone is angry sometimes. Children get to eat food and live in houses and have toys because their parents work. That doesn't make them angry. It makes them grateful. And maybe even proud of their parents.
4. Children who act like jerks sometimes are normal. Children who never act like jerks are weird. And we should probably pray for them. Because they're weird.
5. You are a total freaking weirdo.
There you have it! This is the shit I deal with in order for you to do somersaults with your friends at gymnastics. Are you happy?
The answer is yes. You are happy. And that makes it all totally worth it. That, and it gives me some great material to write about.
I love you. And even though there is a raving lunatic waiting in the hall with me at gymnastics, I will keep taking you. Because I love you. And because she is hilarious.
Mom
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