Dear Elli,
I was talking to a friend a couple of weeks ago. A friend who is not from around here. And he was kind of making fun of people from around here. Us Midwestern peeps.
Anyway, I was feeling a little defensive because the stuff he was saying was totally wrong. Not correct. Absolute absurdity.
He said there are too many churches, no Spanish language channels on TV, and we end our sentences with the preposition, "at".
This man clearly thought his flight landed in Birmingham. Not Cleveland. We have Telemundo, for crying out loud. And Dora the Explorer! And is it really excessive to pass seventeen churches on my way to work every morning? How could I possibly get my morning giggle without reading the ever changing church signage?
"Jesus is coming! Act busy!"
"Stop, drop, and roll won't work in hell."
"Easter only comes once a year. How often do you?"
And, finally, who in the hell uses "at" to finish a sentence? This was the kicker to this guy's ridiculous impression of the Midwest. What an asshole.
So I was trying to find you the other day. And I heard it. I said it. "Where you at?!!"
And then you asked me to bring you a Barbie. My response..."Where's it at?"
And it hit me. For the love of God...I communicate like an imbecile. I really freaking do. I somehow manage to talk like an educated adult at work, but at home I speak some sort of bizarre Midwestern hillbilly ebonics.
I revert back to my roots when I'm "at" home. Home, in Northern Ohio. Where we "warsh" our clothes and drink "pop". And tell Mama that "supper" was "expecially" good tonight.
My mama says all of those things. She horrifies me. So I've managed to eliminate "warsh", "supper", and "expecially" completely from my vocabulary. And I keep "pop" in check for the most part. But I clearly cannot stop using unnecessary prepositions to end sentences.
So, I guess I owe that asshole friend of mine an apology. He was right. So I'll apologize. Just as soon as I figure out where he's at.
I love you.
Mom
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